C-A-B,  down,  General Life Stuff 2006 - 2008,  Uncategorized

>Tuesday: a day in bullet point form.

>

  • Very depressed.
  • Also sick with physical issues – maybe viral or maybe a physical manifestation of my depression.
  • Called my supervisor and told her I didn’t feel well but would go in if she wanted me too. She said to stay home.
  • So I did.
  • I’m proud of myself for realising that I wouldn’t be much use at CAB today and I don’t feel at all guilty for not being there.
  • More importantly I don’t feel like my CP is winning because I didn’t go in.
  • Hell, it didn’t have anything to do w/ my cp but before if I took time off it to me was a failure because I’ve always fought hard not to let my medical issues control me.
  • I’m going to make a doctors appt tomorrow.
  • I’m extremely proud of myself for recognising that I need help without having to be prompted and pushed into seeing that.
  • I got some comments about the fact I called in sick that really pissed me off.
  • But I let them go.
  • Because I am a wuss.
  • I’m going to ask to see a female GP and not let them fob me off with “the med you are on for depression is good for people with severe pms”
  • Because I still end up rock bottom with occasional thoughts of death the days before the red army comes to town.
  • Yes, my pms is that severe.
  • and “people” may find that fluoxetine/prozac is good for that.
  • it’s good for my depression
  • but come pms time my body laughs in the face of those two little capsules I take daily and goes “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”
  • They usually fight to a draw. Both the meds and my body end up battered and with no wish to repeat the process.
  • But it re-runs every month.
  • I hate it.
  • I watched one of my favourite episodes of Star Trek: Voyager today.
  • I started the 100 day poem challenge that’s on my 101 in 1001 list today.
  • I hope my doctor can adjust my meds so that my pms goes to the meds “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”, then takes one look at the med and goes… “Well if you wouldn’t mind Mr. Med, Sir.” and then it runs screaming from my life and the med is triumphant.
  • I do nothing if not dream big.

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