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>Now I Know I Can Handle This

>Sometime the only way forward is to keep going and battle through. Battling through is tough, so tough but ignoring the obstacle isn’t going to work and you can’t get round it, that will just make things worse. So you battle through and it isn’t OK and you wish you weren’t doing what you’re having to. But you do have to so you make it OK, paste a happy smile on your face and keep on going. And eventually you overcome the obstacle or you find a way of assimilating it and then it is OK because you have a new normal and that is included in it. Either way it isn’t a problem to you any more.

I once heard it said that when things are tough you shouldn’t take things week by week or day by day you break them down into little bits that are as big as you can handle but no bigger and you deal with the first of those then you go on to the next and the next and the next.

Both of those things sum up where I am at the moment. It is looking more and more likely that I am facing a new challenge in my life – High Blood Pressure. not overly serious or life threatening but equally something that can’t be waved away and ignored but which must be investigated and if necessary treated. At worst it should just mean I need regular bloods doing for a while and regular medication (more than likely lifelong). And it is something that I couldn’t have wholly prevented but my weight and my diet etc have played a part in it. When it was checked at the gym last week it was 145/97 (argh! miles too high) and today when Julie checked it was 125/95 (the top number is pretty great now but the top number makes all of us wibble)
It is going to be OK, I know it will be. Because as I said to Julie (my practice nurse who I see regularly) today when she checked it it’s not OK but I’m going to make it be OK because I have no choice. And as she pointed out to me normal for the bottom number is 80 and so it is high and it is bad but it could be so much worse – it could be 200. So we check it again next week. And in the meantime I go back to singing my “coping song” and to watch the DVD I got for my birthday.

Now I know I can handle this
I’ll close my mouth and clench my fist
I’ve lived this day in a thousand ways
But there’s a flaw to add to my list

Go on and squeeze a little more
‘Cause if you scream I’ll just ignore you
But I’ve rehearsed this scene in a million dreams
You’re getting closer to my core

And I’m so damn frustrated
Losing breath and now I’m shaking
Gotta keep myself from breaking down
Someone get me out

(Chorus)
Tear don’t you fall, eyes dont you cry
Need to get me round this corner
I can’t break down, break down
Pride don’t cave in, head don’t let go
While I’m open you can read me
I can’t break down, break down
Break down, break down

Blocked it out for long enough
Got really good at playing rough now
I’ve been prepared and not really care
For being brave is getting tough

Chin don’t start to quiver
Hands now don’t you shiver
Gotta keep myself from breaking down
Someone get me out
Someone let me out

(Chorus)
Tear don’t you fall, eyes dont you cry
Need to get me round this corner
I can’t break down, break down
Pride don’t cave in, head don’t let go
While I’m open you can read me
I can’t break down, break down
Break down, break down

You smile like the cat who’s got the cream
I’m vulnerable and I know you see me
There’s so much I wanna say
But this lump in my throat makes me walk away
Away, away, away, away

Tear don’t you fall,
Eyes don’t you cry
Pride don’t cave in,
Head don’t let go

(Chorus)
Tear don’t you fall, eyes don’t you cry
Need to get me round this corner
I can’t break down, break down
Pride don’t cave in, head don’t fall off
While I’m open you can read me

I can’t break down, break down,break down, break down

~Sinead Quinn, I Can’t Break Down

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