sick crip,  songs of my life,  thinking,  Uncategorized

>Unwell

>

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Makin’ friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
and I don’t know why
Well I’m not crazy
I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy
I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Me,
talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they’ve all been talkin’ bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

Well I’m not crazy
I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy
I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I’ve been talkin in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re takin’ me away

Well I’m not crazy
I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy
I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, How I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
(A little unwell)
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell

Unwell – Matchbox 20

This is a song that helped me a lot right after I was diagnosed with depression and had problems all my other lovely related issues that go with it like not sleeping well etc etc. It’s a song that still helps me a lot nearly four years after my diagnosis. The end of January and february are not good times for me because of time markers in the past and I think a few people who read this may also find it useful so I wanted to share it tonight. (and because at least one of the people reading this will think i’m thinking of her and just her, I can actually think of three people who read this)

I was dx with clinical depression on 10th Feb 2003. I had a lot of issues for well over a year before I was diagnosed and my friends were encouraging me to seek help for four or five months before I did. In a little over two weeks I will mark four years on treatment. Originally I was wrongly told that I would need to be on treatment for six months. When the current WHO guidelines actually state that a pt should remain on treatment for 6 months once they are stable/better to ensure a true “cure”. I’ve frequently got to almost six months but i’ve never gotten there. I’m doing pretty well with things at the moment and have been since the end of August/September which pretty much is six months. But I’m not ready to stop treatment. I have however managed to take ALL meds and supplements so far this month! which is a huge big deal for me but still the four year mark is a huge thing for me because I was supposed to be back to being “me” way before now. My counsellor keeps telling me I’m making huge progress and I know I am and I know that I will reach a point where either I do stop treatment or it just becomes a “for life and accepted as such” thing. It is part of my normal at the moment but part of me still thinks about how it isn’t supposed to be in my normal any more.

You know what? I don’t think I will ever be back to being “me” as I was before. Everything we experience and every single day shapes us and moulds us and who we are. I’m not the person I was yesterday and tomorrow I won’t be the person I am today. I can never be the predepression Emma ever again. I can be and I am a better person than I was then. An older one, a bigger one, a stronger one. Just me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *