>Two Poems

>I just found a couple of poems that I wrote in January this year and thought I would share them here. I am in the mood to write poetry but not inspired so this must suffice for now.

The first poem was started on Monday 29th January 2007 and has been changed and edited today to be posted here. It’s recognisable as the poem I wrote back in January but I have fine tuned it and put “meat on the bones” as they say.

Journey: destination unknown

Always on a jounery
never stopping, keeping going
where I’m going, never knowing
I’m keen to arrive in that unknown place
Spending each day in a travelling race

Hurry Hurry
Rush Rush
Hurry Hurry Hury
Rush Rush Rush

What a fuss!
Must keep going.
Such a fuss!

All this frustration
Trying to reach an unknown destination
All this frustration
where I’m going no time to question
All this frustration
Trying to reach an ever changing destination

Life flashes by on my journey
Like fields on a train

No day is the same

Life flies by as we wait
to arrive somewhere
on some far away date.

My life so far wasted
For the destination
I quietly waited.

Now I no longer waste my days
Now it is the journey I love and praise.

~Emma Crees

This second poem was written Tues 30th January 2007. I was reading a biography of Winston Churchill at that time and a couple of lines from this must be attributed to that great man to whom we Brits owe so much. The only change I have made in transcribing this poem for posting is to add the final line.

KBO

Chin Up Chuck
I wish you lots of luck.
You can do this if you really wish
Don’t get stuck
When life comes at you
Don’t duck
Just keep going
Keep buggering on
As long as you are strong
No matter what you feel
Even if
You think it’s a big deal
Keep buggering on
And you can do no wrong
Just keep buggering on.

~Emma Crees

Please let me know what you think of my poor attempts at poetry.

>*&^&)!! Spam

>It’s about four days since I last cleared out my spam comments folder for this site. And there were 164 of the damn things. Plus two comments that Akismet let through but my settings (first comment from any e-mail must be approved by me before it shows up) stopped.

I love Spam the food, particularly grilled in a sandwich. In fact I might have that for lunch. But the other sort of spam? Enough already?!!?!

Oh and nothing annoys me more than sitting there paging through all those 164 spam comments in Akismet reading about porn and drugs and things that make me squick and then having to go back through the list again because whoever designed askismet in their infinite wisdom put the “not spam” button at the bottom of the list but the “delete all” at the top!!

Jacqui said it best.

Ok, new policy for this site.

If you think a comment you left has gone to spam let me know. It does happen sometimes but not often and then I could stop looking at the spam just in case making us all happier.

>Introspective

>One of the things I love about the blogosphere and about disability blogging in particularly is the exchange of ideas, information, support and friendship. I write in the hopes that my words will help me in my goal to be a disability advocate and maybe, just maybe, help someone who reads them.

But in reading other people’s blogs and disability related experiences I am helped just as much if not more. Sometimes it’s because they have made me laugh, got me nodding along going “yup, been there. done that.” Sometimes because they offer information I wanted or simply a chance of understanding and belonging.

One of the biggest things however is perspective. Reading about others triumphs, tragedies, good days and crappy days allows me a different perspective on my life. It makes me think about things I could do that I haven’t considered or suggestions for how to do things. It helps me to see how lucky I am and to continue to be grateful for all that I have.

There is a quote by Oscar Wilde that I love and try to live by. Blogging helps me in that quest.

“We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Rarely however there are days where the little corner of the blogsophere which I call my home makes me stand still in shock and dismay. That happened today. And it also made me introspective, made me think, hence this entry.

Nelba’s son Loren died today. And the blogosphere is that little bit emptier as a result. Please keep them in your thoughts.

I’ve never met them and as they live in South Africa I’m unlikely to. Yet my heart aches for them and the road they now must follow. Shows how powerful of a medium blogging really is and how much of a community disability bloggers are.

(I’ve turned comments off on this entry, please give your words to Loren’s family instead.)

>Low need my arse

>OK, this is the deal.

My whatever they are calling themselves today department which we would otherwise call social services (they change their name so often it seems like they have a new name more often then I have clean knickers), classes needs into four categories.

My needs for support fall into the low need category and unluckily for me and all of the others also classed as low or medium need those two categories aren’t worth the paper they get written on because you have to have substantial need or critical need to get funded. I have asked for a copy of the criteria but as far as I understand it at present they fund personal care and help to make food only. My understanding is also that food they give you something like 15 minutes for something quick.

I require help to make food as my abilities go as far as being able to microwave food and chuck a tray of something light like oven chips or pizza into the oven. If it’s heavy or if it’s in a saucepan and I have to do it – it ain’t happening. I also have what they call domestic needs – help to clean and change my bed etc. I can use the washing machine independently. Domestic needs are low category for everyone and in their opinion I am able to manage well enough with cooking to not have support.

No one told me that I don’t have CP all of a sudden, so either I missed that memo or miracle or whatever happened or there is something fishy going on here.

So I queried whether I met the criteria when they reviewed it last year. And I was told “no but I did some fast talking to my manager to get you support so you could learn to be more independent” and that could no longer be justified. I wasn’t told that last year. After all did I want to be fifty and still having care?! I said it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

I am “just like every other man on the street she tells me too”. Woman obviously needs an eye test because my bras so big that Soph reckons they look like a pair of boobs by themselves proving I am a woman not a man. But I’m also sat there in front of her in a wheelchair proving that I am not just like every one else on the street either, thank you God because who would want to be?! Particularly if that meant I had to be like her.

>I see everyone else is as astounded and confused by the news in my previous entry as I am. I both do and don’t understand it better than I explained it there so I’m not going to try.

I am more than likely going to make a complaint however and so won’t go into details here. What I will say is that what bothers me just as much as the fact that I won’t have care is what was said when she was telling me and also how it was said.

And finally can I just say how much I fucking hate the fact that she has so much power over me that I end up in tears twice in one day and spend the rest of the day panicking and worrying. This is NOT ON

>Care

>I just met with my social worker.

*&^&^&!^*(((!!((^&%$£$”£”££”!*&U^%$GHO:@( woman!!!

I cried. And now I’m angry. But equally another part of me is still crying, deep down inside, where no one can see.

I no longer meet the criteria to receive support from social services. No care, no social worker for back up, no nothing.

She got that I’m not happy. And she said if I wanted to ring her and complain and scream and swear at her I could.

But then again she probably only said that because she realises that I’d never have the nerve to do that.

If only I did.

>Happy Birthday Grandad

>You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your
back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.

~Author Unknown

In Loving Memory and in Honour of my Grandad, Henry Crees, on what would have been his 90th Birthday. Always loved, always missed. Never forgotten

>112 Days

>I just realised that today is the 112th Day of the year.

And I have taken my medication on every single one of those 112 days.

For the girl who spent most of last year maybe taking the pills once a week? Hell, the girl who sometimes took them once a month if she was lucky? Simply unbelievable.

I know a lot of people won’t understand why taking my meds is so hard for me and why this is such a big deal. I don’t truly understand it myself. But who cares? I’m calling this an achievement.

>Join my club

>If you want to join my club and become a wheelchair user you are more than welcome. It is of course a very wonderful club. It’s just gained another member.

Members receive:
A chair they can take everywhere with them meaning they never have to stand on the train, sit in an uncomfortable chair in the theatre or look for a chair.
The ability to cause problems wherever they go
A brilliant hallowe’en costume in the fact that include the chair and you can go as a transformer
The best party trick ever in the fact that when you stand up everyone else in the room freaks out and is then dead impressed.
The chance to have a different experience to everyone else wherever you go.
Stares from all around you as they see the chair, feel sorry for you and then realise that you just don’t care.

All of that and more for just £20 a year membership fee. And unfortunately I will be requiring said membership from the next members. Because a lot of people have joined me lately and not paid their dues.

>Blogging Against Disablism Day Returns!

>Blogging Against Disablism Day is set to return to a blogosphere near you on 1st May 2007.

Information about it can be found at this post in The Diary of a Goldfish.

I’m not feeling very inspired today as I’m tired after swimming but this is/was my contribution to last year’s BADD. Blogging Against Disablism Day is the post that I wrote prior to last years festivities to explain what it was. And finally In The Deep is one of my favourite of my older posts (I hope that doesn’t sound conceited, I don’t mean it too) and explains why the fight against disablism is so important.

Basically the short version is that BADD is a great way to raise awareness, join together and maybe, just maybe have our voices heard. I’m in. Are you?