>Shut Up!

>I would dearly love to dedicate this song to one or two people I’ve had dealings with this week. They don’t know who they are and they won’t ever read this but I DON’T CARE!

You say i should do it differently,
I don’t necessarily agree.
Stand up, sit down, be nice.
Did ya hear me ask for your advice?

Don’t bother trying to tell me your beliefs,
Your point of view is pretty screwed to me
Do this, do that, on track…
Do me a favor and don’t talk back.

Round and round
And the conversation always ends where it began.
Round and round, and i need a vacation
I got a headache from you….

Shut up! Don’t want to hear your voice.
Shut up! I’m sick of all the noise.
There’s nothing you can say that means
A damn thing to me
Shut up!

Blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah,blah
That’s what it sounds like you said to me.
You nag and you brag and i gag.
There’s so much beauty in what we have …

You must have better things that you can do,
Or does your life revolve around me too?
What you want what i need,oh please!
I think you get off hearing yourself speak

Round and round, but the conversation always ends where it began
Round and round and i need a vacation
I got a headache from you….

Shut up! Don’t want to hear your voice.
Shut up! I’m sick of all the noise.
There’s nothing you can say that means
A damn thing to me

Shut up, don’t want to be polite.
It’s messed up, how you always think you’re right.
There’s nothing you can say that’s gonna change the way i am…

Shut up!

Round and round,
And the conversation always ends where it began.
Round and round and i need a vacation.
I got a headache from u

Shut up! Don’t want to hear your voice.
Shut up! I’m sick of all the noise.
There’s nothing you can say that means
A damn thing to me

Shut up, don’t want to be polite.
It’s messed up, how you always think you’re right.
There’s nothing you can say that’s gonna change the way i am….

So shut up!

~ Shut Up, Kelly Osbourne

>17 in 16

>Down a pound today. For various reasons, some of them bordering on TMI, I’m not convinced it’s a true loss. But I’ll take it!

But hey it’s Week 16 of the May Day Challenge and I’m down 17lb.

I’ve noticed more definition in my shape over the last few days. In my face and neck and my sister also said she thinks my tummy looks thinner.

Finally I tried on a top to wear to my cousins wedding yesterday. I thought I would need a 20, maybe a 22 but tried the 18 because Mum thought it might fit and it was the biggest they had. The 18 went on fine but was tight accross my boobs. So I would need a bigger one and am trying to track one down. But in the meantime, yay, I didn’t even think it would go on and it did!

Add in all the good stuff mentioned here and I’ve had a good week challenge wise!

>Small Triumphs

>I figured out what I had the allergic reaction too. The hard way. I’ve been putting savlon on the reaction but substituted tea tree oil (I have a bottle which states it’s diluted and can be used on skin as is and which I’ve used on skin before) one time figuring they do the same thing (antiseptic). 40 mins later I gave up trying to sleep and on turning on the light was met with bright red, itchy, horribleness. Not fun but I guess at least my worries about that can now be put to rest.

I went to my parents house for dinner tonight. Roast Pork in the garden. Super yummy! I walked across the garden a couple of times holding someone’s arm. And when it was my Dad he commented that he thinks I’m walking much better since I lost weight and that he bets it’ll be even easier for me to walk when I’ve lost some more.

Thinking about it, my legs hurt to walk like they usually do and I was tired after like usual. But I didn’t get anywhere near as breathless (or not that I noticed) and I think I felt more balanced too. I wouldn’t want to walk further and I never will. But in a way it’s nice to think that on the odd occasion I do walk a little it could be a little easier.

I never really realised how unhealthy I was before with this and with depression and just generally. Then I get another reminder like this of how much healthier I am now and how well I am doing. It shocks me, but it reminds me.

>Still battling

>I thought I had this medication taking lark down. I have struggled with it a lot and it’s still something of a struggle for me but having reached this far into the year without missing a single dose of my baclofen or my fluoxetine I had it down and it wasn’t such a big deal as it was previously.

I’m not seeing my counselor any more but she rings me every month or so just to touch base. And she called me Wednesday.

She asked about how I’m managing my pills and I said fine, haven’t missed a single dose this year. And she asked if I was still rewarding myself.

I rewarded myself after one week, one month, six weeks etc of no missed meds. The last reward I gave myself was at the end of June for six months – my Grey’s Anatomy Season Two box set.

I haven’t had one since and haven’t planned one. I told her that and she asked why. It wasn’t a big deal anymore, I replied.

Of course she didn’t let me get away with that answer and asked “is it really.”

I thought about it properly then. And I had thought I had it down but then again I’m taking Cefalexin this week for an ear infection and I’m really struggling to take those. In part, I think, because I was told I didn’t need them and then told I did. I don’t actually think my GP would have given them to me, the nurse just Rx’d them based on what I’ve had previously. I am taking them but I’m struggling. Possibly because the cream Rx’d has zapped the irritated sore itch I had (it’s Otitis Externa – sort of like mildly infected eczema) and I feel well.

Last night I was changing for bed and had put a glass of water on my desk for med taking once I was ready.

I went into the bathroom and finished getting ready, checked the door was properly looked and flicked the switch to charge my powerchair.

And completely forgot to take my meds.

I swear I’d been lying in bed for a good ten minutes, knowing i’d forgotten something but not what. Then I realised, Meds. and got up to take them.

That’s a huge change for me – a sign of how much I still need to focus and work on med taking and on how far I’ve come – this time last year the realisation would have been accompanied by the feeling of “oh well, i can’t be fucked to take them now”.

Much like last nights second realisation – that I hadn’t put the rubbish out – was.

The other thing I talked about briefly with Bobby was how much things have changed for me this year. I described it as simply unbelievable.

And it is.

>Sixteen!

>Somehow, this week, I lost a total of 4lb. Which gets rid of the 2lb I put on last week and an extra 2lb.

I’m down 16lb in total now which is very yay!

I really want to focus on moving my body, getting more sleep and drinking more water over this next week. I feel a lot of these have slipped by the way side lately. But I do also know that some habits have stuck and that is a very GOOD thing.

If I could, I would love to see another 4lb loss next week but I think that’s unrealistic. So I think my goal is going to be to get to a total weight loss of 21lb by the end of the May Day Challenge (which isn’t far off!)

My mum and I went shopping on Sunday to get clothes to wear to my cousin’s wedding (the saturday before the challenge ends). It was a nightmare. Not least because we both had very different ideas as to what I should wear. My size was an issue too and we left with nothing (mostly due to the choice issue). But it would have been a lot more of a problem if I was still carrying around those extra 16lb.

>Allergic Reaction

>If there are two words more beautiful than those in the English language, I don’t know them.

What I thought was a pressure sore, is, in fact, an allergic reaction. To what, we don’t know. And truthfully I don’t care.

I had a wonderful anxious anxiety type freak out all over the nurse but she reassured me that it really ISN’T a pressure sore. And that she can understand why I was concerned given that a big thing is made of my checking my skin. And the fact that pressure sores are so scary didn’t help me I think.

I do really think I need to go back and do more work on “dealing with the known”. I had a sore, I thought it looked like the pictures of a pressure sore I’ve seen, I got it checked. That’s fine.

The fact that before it was checked and despite knowing it’s not on an area that is at great risk of pressure sores (although I *think* you can get them on any part of your body) I was freaking and panicing and imagining bed rest and dressings and all the other nasties that treatment can involve. Not fine.

Jacqui asked in the comments what the big deal with pressure sores is. Basically they can lead to weeks and months of treatment to get them to heal, frequently bed rest with specialist matresses and nursing visits multiple times daily. They can lead to surgery. They can even (worst case scenario, very rare) lead to amputations. I have a friend who ended up with a huge hole in her leg as a result of two pressure sores not healing and joining together. Your Turn has more information about the whats and wherefores including some very nasty photos. Or WebMD provides information in what I consider an easier to understand format.

That’s why I am very thankful that I’ve never had one. That’s why I am so thankful that it’s an Allergic Reaction, that even the fact she told me I have an ear infection didn’t put a downer on my mood.

>Meh

>Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe that at age 25 and practically eight months, I may have my first ever “proper” pressure sore.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that this is one time I’m proved to be wrong, k?

>If…

>If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll aways get what you’ve always got.

Something I’ve been thinking about this evening. Once again I must regroup, replan and rethink. This last week with my weight loss efforts and with several other things I’ve been treading water. Treading water is fine, it’s not sinking. But equally it’s not swimming and that’s a better way to live life.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail

Failing to plan is not my problem, failing to make realistic plans is a part of my problem. But my biggest problem is sticking to any thing I plan. And that leads to me figuring that I may as now not plan to do X or Y or whatever because I know I won’t follow through on it.

you are not as fat as you imagine

That’s a line from the sunscreen song and it’s always one that made me want to go “you are, in fact, fatter.”

I watched a show on TV tonight, a weight loss one. And in it there was this woman, Jill. Based on what had been written about the show on yahoo TV I’d thought she would be pretty big and I looked at her and thought she was smaller than I am. a bit fat yes but not as huge as I’d thought. I would never have said she had a big issue with her weight.

They weighed her and her starting weight was only four or so lb from where I am now – her measurements were pretty much the same as mine were last time I checked.

So I guess, maybe, I’m not as fat as I imagine

>fourteen weeks

>I came to the conclusion on Saturday that I no longer know what sort of clothes suit me, what my style is and where I’m going with that. I’m so used to wearing too small clothes or slightly shapeless clothes.

Well, that ends now.

The scales showed a two pound gain this week which I wasn’t surprised by given how much wheeling I have done and the fact that I am premenstrual.

I’m not bothered by the gain but I do just wish I felt a bit better about myself.