>Frustrated but for no good reason.

>I’ve had a good few days with many happy moments and special times that were special for no apparent reason other than the fact they were and that I am working on trying to find “joy in the mundane” at the moment.  but i am so frustrated right now,

And I know that the reasons behind my frustrations actually don’t matter.  BUt I can’t leave my frustration behind and move on.  Which just frustrates me more.  I usually blame my depression for the whole caught in a negative circle of thoughts thing.  Thinking about it though it’s not that now.  I’m not sure it ever is or was either.

Add in something I got told today and it makes it tougher.

The thing I wanted to do will more than likely happen just in a completely different way to how I wanted/expected to do.  I should focus on the”it’s pretty much going to happen” but instead I’m annoyed and frustrated by the “happening in a different way  and not by my choice.”  Frustrating myself by being frustrated too.

>Race for Life Training

>Managed to get out wheeling for the first time in just more than ten days (?) earlier. And I wheeled myself 1.09 miles or 1.75 KM – more than one third of the course! Thanks so much to everyone who responded to my earlier “please sponsor me” e-mails and facebook messages. I now have more than double the amount of sponsorship I had first things this morning and it was the thought of not wanting to let you all down that got me out there training this evening. When I mapped the route out after getting home I was like “if I’m wrong and that’s less than a mile I’m going back out and walking until I have done at least that far”

Add in the fact that a friend got a free gift in boots and gave me the majority of it and a fabulous new haircut and you can definitely say that I’m having a great day. And that I have fabulous friends and family ♥ love you guys.

>Well, Damn

>I just looked up what the legal definition of disability is.

And I found this gem

“What does not count as a disability: tattoos and body piercings.”

Well, damn.  I really thought my tattoo made me more disabled.  I really did.

>How to Help Me

>I don’t mean to sound rude or bitchy or anything but if I’m transferring and your around, ask if I want help.  And if I say “yeah could you do such and such” thats what i want/need you to do.  No more.  No less.

I actually had a great conversation with a CAB client about that sort of thing recently; I’d walked through the waiting room on my way to the loo and then when I took them in the interview room they took the time to say to me that they were sorry they hadn’t offered to help me with the doors.  But they hadn’t known whether to offer or not and hadn’t wanted to upset or offend me.  I told them that I could manage and if I had needed help I would have asked.  I also thanked them for their understanding and for not trying to force that help down my throat when it isn’t needed.  Big moment there, if only it happened more often.  And hopefully something they can take away in future.

There are plenty of things which I either can’t do or which I struggle to do.  By forcing or trying to force me to take help with those I can do I end up more disabled.

Also, if you don’t do as I ask – follow the system so to speak – you can make things worse.

Hence, I fell the other week and took my Dad with me.  I know I always tell people to let me go if I’m falling but I don’t think that’s maybe a fair part of this list because i don’t think he had time to let go of me as I went being as he was already being used by me as an arm to walk with.  Also there is a big difference between letting me drop when you see me go and letting me drop when you’re holding me/i’m holding you.

Or the new to my transferring into the pool system person.  I asked them to hold the shower chair steady as it’s brakes aren’t worth jack.  That was all the help I needed and I thought I’d made that clear.  But they tried to hold the chair and grab me with one arm.  Which threw my balance and ended up with my face in their boobs.  Yeah, it was a real classy .

Or it’s the fact that my Dad and a couple of sailing volunteers and I have a getting me into the challenger system.  Alison drove today instead of my dad and I don’t know where the usual suspects were but only one of them was there.  And let me hold your arm didn’t turn into them holding my arm as it usually does (and which so totally is not the same thing)  instead the guy with the arm holding job managed to put his hands somewhere else.  I’m not sure where he thought his hands were but I do know for sure that they weren’t where they thought they were.  Or at least I hope not.  Because otherwise that just opens a whole ‘nother can of worms.

lets not go there.

Still… you gotta laugh

If, however, I end up with another boobs and tranferring related incident, however, I may have to stop laughing and start hitting my head against a brick wall.

>Done

>I’ve decided that I’m not going back to Slimming World.  What I’m doing instead I’m not sure yet but slimming world is not it.  And I’ve had enough of throwing my money away on a system which I don’t agree with and which I don’t believe works.

I am glad I looked into it but I can’t be doing with doing it any more.  I’m just done with it.

>50 metres!!

>I’ve been knitting lots today. And I used more than 50 metres of yarn!! Or one entire ball of the yarn plus some of another.  And thats just since five and I have done other stuff in that time too. I guess that’s the bonus of using HUGE needles.

Just thought that was kinda interesting.

Also, I totally love the Swamp Witch pattern I’m working on at the moment. Why did I put it down for so long?!

>Cropped and Popped

>I’ve been reading a few blogs lately that have included tips on how to take great photos and also how to fake it or improve your pictures using photoshop or similar software. I took a bunch of photos on Friday night and have played with a couple of them to see what I can do.

Me at my sister\'s BBQ for her 20th Birthday, May 2008.  This picture is straight out of camera, I did nothing but resize it.  In the background there is a white wall off to one side and a yucca plant.  You can also see part of the patio.

Me at my sister’s BBQ for her 20th Birthday, May 2008. This picture is straight out of camera, I did nothing but resize it. In the background there is a white wall off to one side and a yucca plant. You can also see part of the patio.

The same picture after I gave it the photoshop treatment and \"cropped and popped it\"

The same picture after I gave it the photoshop treatment and “cropped and popped it” Most of the background is cropped out making me the focus of the picture much more than before. I also applied sharpen more mask to bring out the detail and used a brightness/contrast layer to make the picture much more “punchy”. Specifically I set it to darker but with an increased contrast and I played with the exact numbers until it looked “right”.

>A Thread of Grace – Mary Doria Russell

>I pretty much spent all of yesterday reading A Thread of Grace by Mary Doria Russell.  It was a recommendation of Dave’s and I can really see why he recommended it.  To everyone who told me they wouldn’t have time to read this book before the book club – make the time!! You’re not going to recommend it.

You can read Dave’s thoughts on the book here and Ms Russell e-mailed him her thoughts about the book which are posted on Chewing the Fat also.  That post also contains a lot of discussion on the book in the comments including some links to other bloggers posts.

I am shockingly late to this party because of being ill but I do have to say I’m glad I didn’t try to read it whilst feeling lousy (oh and thanks for all the well wishes etc, I’m finally back to fighting fit).  It’s not a comforting, easy read.  It challenges you and makes you think right from the very first page.  I wish I could write something that would do it justice, I wish I could write half as good as Ms Russell.  I can do neither.

Disability is a theme throughout this book but in a way in which you almost don’t notice it.  There is one huge yes moment that people have commented in the discussion made them cry.  It didn’t make me cry.  But it did make me suck in my breath and appreciate just how huge that moment and that achievement was in the book.  And it made me very happy when later on in the story it became obvious that it was a hard won lesson but one in which had to a certain extent been taken to heart.  But happy is the wrong word in that context.  Other than that moment it was until after reading others’ comments that I realised just how often there were hints of disability in the book.

World War Two is a favourite period of mine to read about and that more so than the disability themes/moment is what drew me in and made me enjoy the book more than anything.  It is truly masterful the way in which so many unthought of issues are woven together to provide a full and true picture of life during that time.

And in Italy too, a place I’ve always wanted to visit.

On one of the last pages in the book one of the characters shares a Hebrew saying with another.

“No matter how dark the tapestry God weaves for us, there is always a Thread of Grace.”

That’s true for all of us – and Ms Russell has brought her characters to life and shown us the Threads of Grace which lit up even the darkest of their worlds.

>Do Something Amazing Today…

>Unfortunately, I haven’t done anything amazing today (or any recent day). Unless actually feeling well enough to leave the house for a couple of hours and do some stuff (badly) earlier counts.

But my sister did do something amazing today.

Congrats honey I’m proud of you! love love xx

And I hope that at some time in the future I will be eligible to do something amazing too.