Burn out

I’ve made a couple of attempts over the last few days at writing a blog post about the nuances of accessibility. And I still might do that at some point but at the moment I can’t make my thoughts on the matter into a coherent post.

Part of the problem, is that I’m a 40 year old life long disabled person. I’ve spent my entire life making do, fighting for accessibility and being the first to do whatever. Admittedly I have seen huge improvements in accessibility in my lifetime but there is still much to do. And I’m tired of it.

I suppose (having taken a break in writing this to think about it) that post about nuances probably was a struggle because there’s a nuance I wasn’t including. The energy it takes to fight for accessibility, the choices I make to fight this one but let that one go (and how I choose). And the energy those around me take up when they get angry on my behalf without understanding, try to find solutions when I’ve already considered them and/or tell me that it’s not right, it should be accessible and I shouldn’t let my disability stop me.

I’m really fucking exhausted of all of it. Burnt out really. But there’s not many people I can tell that too.

In which I want to update…

Updating my blog has been on my to do list for weeks and I actually started to write a post a few days ago. But that turned into a whinge about the reasons I’ve currently lost my love for blogging so I left it in unfinished in drafts and then deleted it this morning.

I mean this blog is for the highs and lows and it is the place to talk about how I currently feel about sharing my life online. And more about how I feel the current ecosystem of the internet is shaping that. But I don’t feel it’s the post for right now, particularly as it seems a lot of my later posts are (or could be taken as) somewhat negative.

For the last couple of months I’ve been at cornerstone writing once a week or so with various people from my writers group. Most weeks I’ve been taking my notebook and working on some journalling.

Basically writing a stream of consciousness about whatever comes to mind. It’s very useful to help work out what I’m thinking about or clear my mind of worries/concerns. It’s very interesting how I’ll start writing about one thing and over the space of twenty minutes or two pages it’ll meander through two or three subjects to end up somewhere completely different.

But today instead of viewing writing as a process and a thing to do, it’s more about writing for a product. It’s time to do something about this blog so I’ve brought my tablet with me and I’m writing this.

The reality is I started what we now call blogging back in November 2000 for a bit of fun. It was all anyone ever expected back in the days when we called them online diaries and the Internet was new and nobody had any idea how big and integrated with our lives it would become. Now everything is all about the so-called side hustle and making money. Meaning it no longer feels acceptable to just do something for the love of it.

I still get a lot from blogging and I still enjoy going back a few years and reading old entries, being reminded of what I forgot (I regret that much of my earliest years of blogging is lost but at the same time I cringe the first few entries which I do have copies of).

I think I need to rediscover blogging for me. Not for the deals, freebies, money and hundreds of followers society would say I need. But because I enjoy it and get stuff from it.

Here’s to a new beginning!