A brief update

I swear I’m not giving up blogging but it does seem more and more like I am with how rarely I’m updating at the moment. I would write about my  plans for this blog and how I want to write more.  But as true as that is writing it doesn’t make me actually follow through on that plan. I do miss blogging but I miss the olden days of blogging (Diaryland and my first year or two on wordpress) more than I miss what blogging is now. It was more anonymous and more of a community and just nicer.  Not to say there aren’t positives to what blogging is now. It’s jut different in a way that isn’t good or bad.    

Things are oh so slowly improving. I haven’t missed a single dose of Citalopram since I started it and suddenly realised on Monday just how much my anxiety has improved. It’s not a crushing overwhelming feeling of things being too much any more.  In fact whilst I do still remember how it felt, it’s almost like the details are fading away making it harder to describe as it becomes less of a daily occurance. The depression side of things still isn’t great but I still need a few more weeks for the full dose to have completely kicked in really. And I am in a difficult situation that’s hard to resolve (a tale for another day) which is likely influencing that.  

And most importantly, I’m reading regularly again. If ever there was a sign that things are improving it’s that. And that makes me      happy!

A Little Bit of Life

(I am surprised that with nearly 2000 entries on this site I’ve never used the title A Little Bit of Life before)

Two bits of not so brilliant but they could be much worse news are in my life at the moment.  I don’t think dominating my life is the right term but they are definitely big factors in everything right now.  And not easy. Life is never easy.

I will start with the slightly easier one first – my powerchair is broken.

The easiest way to explain it is to say it has a broken castor.  It’s more complicated than that because of the spider-trac but basically it’s not right and it’s manifesting in one of the castors (I’m not sure but I think they won’t need to replace the wheel to fix it).

It’s been niggling at me for at least a few weeks that it wasn’t right but when Mum looked she couldn’t see anything wrong with it and I wasn’t sure so I left it. But eventually I figured, it’s under warranty, get them out. And unfortunately it is broken. (the scary thing here is that I probably wouldn’t have called them out if I’d have had to pay a call out fee). I’ve been waiting 10 or so days for the part to come in which will hopefully be at some point next week. I’m told it’s fixable and it’s covered by the warranty. I’m also told the wheel is definitely not going to fall off and I can keep using it in the meantime (although I’ve chosen not to go to Reading today like I wanted to just in case). So it’s positive bad news. It does need to go into the workshop when they have the part though.

The second part of the news is that I went to the Drs last week to discuss my mental health and am now on Citalopram for depression and anxiety.  I was last on antidepressants very briefly two years ago at which point I came off of them much sooner than I should have. I’ve decided to commit to at least a year of meds this time.

I said to her that a lot of the time previously it’s felt like depression was the bigger issue but as much as I am depressed now my anxiety feels much more prevalent. That’s why she gave me Citalopram as opposed to the Sertraline I’ve had most recently.

Citalopram was actually the first ever antidepressant I took in 2003 when I was diagnosed originally but I had to come off of it after a couple of weeks due to nausea. It had been getting better but my then GP said to try a new drug (I went onto Lofepramine for 18 months and then had several years on and off of Fluoxetine before trying Sertraline). My current GP has put me on a 50% dose for a few weeks and I’m only just a week in but I’ve had one terrible day for nausea and a day or two of feeling off. So it’s more positive than I hoped.

I won’t go into the ins and outs of how everything has been and all that.  What I will say is that it suddenly feels so much harder to talk about mental health than it has done in previous years.  A huge part of that is that a couple of people I’ve talked to about it have been really negative about it and my choosing to go on meds.  And in one case gave me some unasked for advice that was potentially very dangerous (thankfully as this is not my first go with this I knew they were full of shit).  I might blog more about that at some point soon ish as I’m hoping to get back to writing regularly but I think that’s all I’ve got to say for today.

Self Care Sunday

It’s been a much better week than the previous one. Which is good. I’d almost say it’s been a surprisingly good week but that might be taking it too far.

I’ve been taking my meds as prescribed and am up to 50mg now. I’d been convinced when I saw the doctor that might not do it (because I was on 100mg of the same med before) but actually I now think it might. It’s early days though so best to leave it and see.

One of the things that I’ve been wanting to do (that’s on my twenty things list) is now planned and I’m going to do it with one of my friends at the end of this week. I’m looking forward to that. I should also be doing another of them next week and am hoping to sneak a third in either this week or next depending on time constraints (both the thing I’m doing this week and the thing I hope to do next week should be close enough to the third to fit it in while there if I have time).

And I’ve been taking time out to read. Which is huge because I was so down I didn’t have the motivation to do that which if you know me well was a worrying sign. I read the most amazing book over the last two days and just totally lost myself in it. I’ll post a review of it tomorrow.

In fact I think I’ll leave this here and go get some lunch before doing some more reading.

Apparently people with mental health problems just need to “tell someone”

So Robin Williams has died.  Suicide.  And that’s sad as any death is.

Facebook is full of posts with his picture sharing phone numbers and websites of helplines.  Ones telling people that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  And declarations that if you’re feeling down, if you have depression to make sure you tell someone.  Friend’s saying that they hope their friends feel capable of telling them.  And similar on twitter and other places.

Here’s the thing: I have a depression diagnosis and I have a lot of anxiety at times which has been recognised by medics although it’s never been given a label like GAD (generalised anxiety disorder).  It’s more than 11 years since one of my friends finally convinced me to go and see a GP about the way I felt.

I’d told someone.  I’d told her.  But she couldn’t physically make me go to the doctors and get help. She kept telling me I needed to and encouraging me to for at least six months.  I’d probably been depressed to a certain extent I had to do that myself (and unfortunately that meant things deteriorated because I didn’t go until I got scared about what might happen unless I did).

Then I went and told a GP.  It wasn’t my GP because my mine was a male and I thought a female doctor would be easier. It was a first step but it wasn’t the solution facebook seems to be suggesting it was.  Telling her wasn’t enough.  I needed her support but I also needed meds and I needed time.

That first type of antidepressants made me ill so I ended up telling most of my carers although I’d not meant to.  Several of them said “me too.” and I was shocked.  Telling people might have been easier if I’d known how common it was. I felt less alone.

I went back a few weeks later for review and I did tell my then GP because really I loved my uni GP because he also had CP and he got a lot of what I went through.  Over the years he’s been one of the few medics I’ve never had to convince that my depression isn’t caused by my CP. He’d seen me a lot in the months before for UTI and chest infections and I don’t know what else routine stuff.  And he apologised to me for missing my mental health problems.  It meant a lot to me but I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t blame him.  I’d hidden it.

And since then over the last 11 years I’ve been on and off of antidepressants.  I’ve told a lot of people about my mental health.

I’ve told friends.  Family. Doctors, counsellors, social workers. Carers and some other people too.

Sometimes it helps a lot.  Sometimes it helps a little.  Sometimes it doesn’t help.  And unfortunately sometimes it makes it worse.

I’ve had the response:

That I’m being silly

That I just need to stop taking antidepressants because they “are addictive and bad for you.”

That of course I’m depressed because I’ve got CP, what do I expect?

That things that have triggered bad times are in the past and I need to move on.

That I’m worrying about nothing

This too will pass

“you think you’ve got it bad I’ve blah blah blah” from a friend who kept telling me to tell her when things were bad.  She still does that now and she gets annoyed if she ever finds out I’ve not told her stuff.  But I’ve never, in more than 11 years since diagnosis been able to have a conversation with her about my mental health problems without it immediately being turned into something all about her.

Offering to listen and encouraging me to tell you about my problems is huge.  But I need you to actually listen.

How could you help someone in a mental health crisis:

Don’t use cliches like this too shall pass or the one I keep seeing today “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”.  Robin Williams had been undergoing treatment for various mental health conditions for over twenty years.  He had a real, serious illness not a temporary problem.  Calling it that belittles his suffering.

If someone tells you don’t try and make them tell you exactly what it is they have to be depressed or anxious about.  Mental health conditions can and do defy explanation.

Also, don’t make assumptions about causes.  I’m sure some of the counselling I’ve had would have been more effective if I’d not spent so much time trying to get it though the counsellor’s head that the fact I can’t walk had nothing to do with my mental health. The assumptions of a supposed link between my physical disability and my mental health condition make it harder in fact.

Only make offers of support that you genuinely mean.  If someone offers me the chance to talk but then tells me all of their problems rather than listening when I try to take them up on it I usually end up feeling worse because I feel alone and I’m worried about my friend.

Support takes different forms for different people.  I have issues with medication compliance.  Someone demanding to know everyday if I’d taken my meds (something one of my carers tried) didn;t help me.  But when I had a friend who was also struggling with med compliance we would tweet each other and check in every day or two sort of “I’ve managed my meds today, how’re you doing?” that really helped.

Don’t try to force a particular therapy or drug on someone.  Fluoxetine might be really great for people who have depression that worsens around their period.  I was on fluoxetine when I first started raising that issue and it didn’t help.  Sertraline did but all I kept being told from medics was “fluoxetine is good for that, perserve” until finally one switched me to sertraline for another reason.  Friends told me fluoxetine was good too.  It was good for me but it wasn’t the answer.

Just because you recovered doesn’t mean I will.  I care about how you’re doing but when I’m really struggling telling me that I only need six months of antidepressants doesn’t help.  And actually, the standard treatment isn’t six months of antidepressants.  it’s treatment until condition improves and then for another six months to ensure no relapse.

If the person in question is able to lead you in what support they need try to follow them.

But don’t, ever just tell someone to “tell me” if you have a problem and expect that to be the answer.  It’s a first step that you can take to helping them.  Telling you is a brilliant first step for the person with mental health condition.  But living with/treating/recovering from/whatever a mental health condition is a long, long journey.  And it needs more than that first step of talking about it.

Talking, Ten Years Later

It’s that time of the month again when I mosey on over to Bea Magazine and share what I’m thinking, feeling, doing, whatever with them.

I don’t like February. There have been a lot of tough times in previous ones and there are several anniversaries now in a short time. It’s been long enough now that most of their sting has gone but still it lurks. This year I remembered the dates but it wasn’t until several days into the month when I wondered why I felt down and put it together that its often a time I struggle.

Yesterday marked 10 years since I was first diagnosed with depression. It is what it is. I can’t change it and I’m not sure I would if I could.

I’ve written a bit about that over on Bea in Talking, Ten Years Later.

>Meds and Such Like

>I think it’s safe to say that at the very least I need to go and chat to my GP about my depression.  I’m much better than I was when my antidepressant was changed to Sertraline but I’m still struggling a lot at times.  That said I don’t necessarily think I need it tweaking again but I’m not sure and I need to keep an eye on these things.

And when I went to the physio she was talking about the possibility of changing my muscle relaxants.  Either an increase of my baclofen or taking something else (which said could be instead of or in addition to the baclofen).  I’m back there on Thursday to chat these things through.  That was quite interesting though because I’d not heard of one of the mentioned meds being used for spasticity and I know of loads of people who take it.  And she also queried whether I was taking anti-depressants for depression or spasticity as apparently some anti-depressants can be used for spasiticity as they relax you.  I’d never heard that before but it’s an idea I’m quite interested in.  If I don’t come back without a drastic increase in my baclofen or an extra prescription I’ll be very surprised.

The physio has also referred me back to wheelchair services as she says I either need this chair adapting or a new one as it’s totally unsuitable and she thinks part of the cause of my pain.  Wheelchair Services however are saying I have to go back on the waiting list which has an average wait of 18 weeks.

She also advised me to go back to social services and asked to be reassessed for care needs, specifically for help with socks and shoes.  I’ve not done that yet.

A few other things were mentioned as possibilities so I came back with lots to think about which is part of the reason I’ve been so quiet on this blog.

Oh and she told me I should be leaving my wheelchair in a different position (equivalent to where it would be for a lateral/slide board transfer) when I’m standing and transferring.  Getting the hang of that is not proving easy at the moment!