>Monkey Girl

>So someone mentioned to me earlier today that I haven’t seemed my usual cheerful self lately.  And we chatted and stuff,

He recommends that I eat a banana everyday.  And I asked him why

He goes:

“Well, have you ever seen a sad monkey?”

Best.  Depression. Advice. Ever.


>Down 4lb this week. Progress at last.

Looks like something is finally working again. Just need to get the exercise back in now. That’s a job for tomorrow me thinks. I have been doing my physio/stretches more however and the difference it’s made in my ankles in just a few days is astounding.

Am pretty wiped out now and still feeling a bit off from whatever it was that I had at the weekend. I don’t think it can have been Norovirus, that’s supposed to be incredibly nasty and what I had wasn’t nice but wasn’t up there in the incredibly nasty category. I just felt sick and felt sick and felt sick for about three days. Emotionally things are better too; had a bit of an air clearing session with someone earlier and we both cried but i at least felt better after it. So that’s more progress.

>Better but hopefully not THE BUG

>Today is better still.

Things are calmer

And I am happier.

But my Mum is worrying that what I thought was first day of periodness is THE BUG.  So she didn’t come round as planned.
That’s the only real hitch from today

And it’s one I’ll take.

So long as she’s wrong.

>I’m not crazy, I’m just a little Unwell…

>I really don’t like depression or pms or…

And I’ve been crying on and off all evening.  So much so that I rang mMum to tell her I was feeling better and by the time she was out of the bath and called me back I was crying again.  Joy.

My  dad came round tonight and did a few odd bits for me.  He bought the dog with him… and the first thing the dog did was cock a leg and wee all over my (new) washing basket…. I told him off and so did Dad and then we laughed.

I know this is a pms thing and I know this is a depression thing and I know this whole crying thing mainly stems from a couple of stupid throwaway comments made by others that weren’t meant to hurt me but which did and which I can’t leave behind.  Stupid depression feedback loop like thinking.  Stupid secondary disability crap.

And it’s not helped by the fact that 1) my parents go away on Saturday and I now worry that they’re going to be worrying about me whilst away because of how sad I am right now.  and 2) there is/was a tentative plan in place to reduce/wean my antidepressants this year – the fifth anniversary of which is fast approaching – and I get like this and panic that it’s slipping away from me and, and and…

Rationally I know this is alllll stupid and irrelevant and in no way important.  And as Mum put it this time of year is a shitty one and people struggle.  And as Dad put it I’m doing really well and he’s proud of me (which is why the tears started again by the time my Mum called back – he’d just said that).

But my brain and my emotions and my hormones are totally messed up and this is the result.   This will sort itself out in a few days and for now… I’m gonna go listen to this song and remind myself of it’s truth.

>Hormone Hell Blahs

>Tough day today.

Or maybe not all of it, but definitely part of it.

Let’s just say I tried to calmly talk to my mum about something that had been worrying me a bit and ended up entering hormone hell, losing the plot and crying.

Once again I am reminded why it was recommended that I take evening primrose oil.  And of the fact that I feel better when I do.

Three key thoughts that I keep coming back to lately

  1. Who’d have neighbours?
  2. Who’d be a woman?
  3. Who’d be a grown up?

I didn’t weigh myself this morning; couldn’t be bothered and suspected my impending period would screw things over and ruin my mood.  Not that it actually needed any ruining today.

I think it’s slowly going ok though and I’m hopeful for next week.  I’ve made changes and they’ve not seemed so hard.

I could do with something going right…

>Guilt, Guilt, Guilt!

>Today is a tough day.  I am very glad it is nearly over!

I’ve been trying (and failing, I might add) to write out and explain the whats and whys and wherefores for some time.

The short version is the battery on my powerchair died on me in town earlier and I had to call in favours to get me home and get some of the things I was trying to do done like fetch my meds and do some shopping for me.  It was hard for me to ask for those and I felt pretty guilty that three different people had to put themselves out to rescue me and help me out.  Believing that I have CP, it doesn’t have me might be a great attitude to have most of the time.  But sometimes I have to ask for help and that’s not easy.

Then a right gossipy cow I sort of know eavesdropped on a conversation between me and one of my “rescuers”.  She could have just said to me “oh i don’t know if you know but disabled people can blah blah blah, that might be easier for you.” but no, I could told I should have done blah blah blah and saved my friend running around after me.

Yeah, thanks for that, love, I do guilt well enough on my own without you trying to pile more on me.  And the way you then told several people that my chair had died on me?  Nice, that.  Really nice.  Particularly as that’s the second time in a month you’ve  done the eavesdrop and spread it about thing to me.

I am very very grateful to have the friends that I do – the ones who rescued me today and the one who rescued me on Saturday when I locked myself out (my parents are on holiday).  Even if they do sometimes (today) tell me to shut up – because I couldn’t stop saying how sorry I was and thank you for helping me etc etc ad infinitum.

It might not be quite time for bed yet but I think it’s definitely time for chocolate!

>My Give a Damn’s Busted

>As I posted earlier in the week, it wasn’t the best week for me. Particularly not Wednesday which was for reasons that I can’t talk about here.

It shocked me how much that one stupid little incident got to me and really got me down. In fact, it even scared me a little. Particularly because it was something relatively normal for me and that I could have no way predicted would trigger my depression. Usually I am vaguely away that things will/may be hard and I can prepare for that but this just blindsided me.

There is a tentative plan in place for me to come off of antidepressants at some point next year and I felt so bad that I was worried that long longed for chance was slipping through my fingers before it had even arrived. So feeling that bad was scary.

It comes back to the no longer having the perspective to know what a “normal” down day is. And also the PMS thing played a part, but not in how much it has stayed with me since.

I’ve restarted my PMS supplements since that day (in fact, all of my supplements) and I’ve been able to express all this to people who know the exact details. I even have a sort of semi plan in place to prevent the above happening again. I just need to find the strength to implement it properly and stick to my guns.

So writing this I guess it was a good to have bad experience – and coping with bad/tough experiences is sort of why I’m still a prozac princess – as my GP put it one of my biggest issues now is my confidence and we are hoping that a bit longer on meds dealing with normal life may build it up a bit.

Today I do feel a bit less down and a bit better.

Tough, scary, horrible week – done.

My battle – still going, still winning.

On the way home from Sainsbury’s at lunchtime this song came on my iPod. Says it all really.

Well, you filled up my head
With so many lies
Twisted my heart
Till something snapped inside
I’d like to give it one more try
But my give a damn’s busted

You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long
go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn’s busted

I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
Naw, sorry, nothin’

You can say you’ve got issues
You can say you’re a victim
It’s all your parents’ fault, I mean
After all, you didn’t pick ’em
Well, maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give a damn’s busted

Well, your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uh, who’s your enabler these days
My give a damn’s busted

I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
No, still nothin’

It’s a desperate situation
No tellin’ what you’ll do
If I don’t forgive you
You say your life is through
Come on, give me somethin’ I can use
My give a damn’s busted

Well, I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
No man, sorry
Just nothin, nope
You’ve really done it this time
My give a damn’s busted

My Give a Damn’s Busted – Jo Dee Messina

>Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it

>I’ve had some really nice touching unexpected things happen lately which made me smile. E-mails and voice messages and packages in the post from people I was on holiday with. When I got home from work and found the card and photos Claire sent me I was soooo happy and sooo touched.

And I had a good day at work today, I was really tired but when I got going and got there I felt good. No one else had understood the part of the AGM that had totally gone over my head so I don’t feel like an uneducated idiot any more.

An afternoon in the sun reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (yes, I will read the rest before Deathly Hallows comes out and yes, I do know how little time there is left for that).

And an amazing sail last night. I learnt a lot, I screamed when the speed got up higher than ever before and I got soaked to the skin. It was fun. Feeling the boat just catch the wind and go pounding up and down through the water.

Seeing and feeling the water surge over the top and splash me, soaking my thru from the waist down and really testing my sailing jacket’s “waterproof” status.

It did freak my out a little bit particularly when the speed really got up. And I wasn’t 100% comfortable with my buddy – he was new and I’d not met him before. But the cloudy about the storm sailing conditions rocked and I loved it.

I was feeling quite down earlier tonight and woe is me “rock bottom” type (probably a pre-period thing) but writing all of that out I see again once more just how many blessings and good things I do have in my life.

And I feel better.

>Kinda Meh and Bitchy

>I feel kinda meh and bitchy today. I’ve been surfing Facebook and thinking everyone else has a better life than me and I’ve been reading blogs and not able to leave comments because most of the ones I want to leave are not the supportive friendly ones but the “welcome to my world, now you know what it’s like” ones. And I could cheerfully have killed someone earlier for moving my chair with the brakes on – when I’d only had them tightened an hour earlier. I just let them do it tho.

My counsellor talks about how I will never not have bad days because they are a normal part of life. But I can’t remember what it’s like to have a down day that’s “normal”. I don’t know how to tell if I’m having an “average” down day and a depression down day. What I do know is that feeling like this makes me want stronger meds, better meds. Kick depression in the ass meds. I don’t think I actually need them tho.

I think when I’m down below 12st in weight I will talk to Dr B about weaning off of baclofen. I am determined to see this year out without missing a single dose of fluoxetine because I know it does me good. But I’ve been on baclofen nearly two and a half years and I have some concerns about it long term as well as not being sure of the level of efficiency/accuracy it still has.

I’ve stopped taking all of my supplements because I want to stop overloading my liver and other systems. But I think I will resume the evening primrose oil when I come back from my tour of the UK (and hopefully Ireland).

Trying to get as much of my stuff I need to do “at some point soon” done before I go away – possibly part of what caused my meh and bitchiness of today, overloading myself a bit.

In good news however I did notice something really great about how I look now I’ve lost weight. Part of me that was hidden by fat is getting to be visible. But that’s all I’m telling you ;o)