A is for…

The letter A in yellow superimposed over the A to Z blogging challenge logo
The letter A in yellow superimposed over the A to Z blogging challenge logo

A is for Author

I have always wanted to be a writer and written stories. And I’ve blogged for nearly 15 years, since before it was called blogging in fact.

I remember as a child around the age of 11 going to the shop with my Dad while on holiday in Puerto Pollensa, Majorca to be a notebook so I could write a story I had an idea for. That was a Star Trek: The Next Generation fanfic but it was years before I’d even heard of the term.  My next big story was around age 16 and that was a fanfic for ST:TNG too but I still hadn’t heard the term.  I have a love for notebooks and pens and have hundreds of the things but find typing so much easier than writing by hand (due to my disability).  I rarely use them but I still can’t resist the urge to buy them.

Writing weekly short story writing sessions one year at primary school – some of which I got high praise for and good marks for being a good writer. And others I didn’t because I had my own ideas and I’d take the prompt and squash it into the smallest ball and then write my own story that mentioned what the teacher had asked for in passing but mostly ignored it.  I struggle with that in many ways now too.  I have a novel idea and I love it and I’m working on it.  But I keep getting hit by new ideas for different novels or fanfics or for things to add to the novel I’m working on now  I’m a procrastinator that’s my problem.

I lie in bed and think through entire plots as I fall asleep.  I wake up from a dream and hope I remember it because it would make an interesting plot point.. People tell me interesting anecdotes and I think “how would my character have dealt with that?” and I linger in the shower as I lose track of time wondering if scene A should be moved so it comes after scene B.

In short, I’m obssessed.

I dream of one day being a published author.  One of the things I’ve been wondering about is at what point do I stop telling people “I’m a writer” and start telling people “I’m an author”.  I’m not sure but whenever that is,  It’s a long way away and novel writing is tough but I hope I’ll get there before too long.

A Writer In A Wheelchair

In which I ramble and am grouchy when it comes to “awareness”

(I was going to title this “why I’m not blogging about CP awareness day” and then I realised that by writing this I pretty much was blogging about CP awareness day just not in the way most people are and that would be a pointless title)

So. Word on the street the internet is that 25th March is CP awareness day. i.e. that tomorrow is CP awareness day.

Except,  to me, it’s not, really.  It’s national CP awareness day in the US.  I’m not in the US and I sometimes feel like the entirety of the fucking internet resolves around people from the US  and that those of us not in it get forgotten about (do you know how many book competitions etc I can’t enter because they’re US only?! Too many).

I just deleted everything I’d written after this point.  I’d somehow managed to hit 443 words without even beginning to cover the point i wanted to make with this entry. Clearly I suck as a concise writer. Particularly when I can actually sum my point up in one TL;DR sentence. Which is:

I don’t really see that there is any need or point in awareness days in general and particularly for CP.

I don’t know what they do.  I find that a lot of people assume I have MS but when I tell them it’s CP pretty much everyone has heard of it. (I did have one rather amusing conversation last year with someone who had CP and CF (cystic fibrosis) confused but…).  I’m not sure why I might need more people to know about CP.

It’s not like there’s some Sheldon style mad scientist in a lab somewhere who has never heard of CP and is sitting there going “hmm I’ve found a cure to some random neurological disorder affecting people from birth and mostly causing mobility difficulties and spasticity but I just don’t know what disorder it is. If only someone could make me aware of it’s existence I could change the world for the 1 in 200 babies born every day with it. What a dilemma.  If only… if only…”

I don’t need a cure.  I’m pretty much perfect just the way I am.  I’m the person I’m meant to be right now.  Plus, given that I’ve spent 31 years using my body in a way it wasn’t designed to be used I’ve got some unusual wear and tear going on (hip issues for one) that curing my CP could halt or possibly improve but wouldn’t get rid of. Also? CP is brain damage. Ain’t no one touching my brain.

And most importantly I can’t help the part of me that reads or hears things about the desperate need for a cure for CP and thinks “there are plenty of other conditions out there that need curing more.  Ones that kill people.” Focus on those.

I class disability awareness and CP awareness as different things.  I believe disability awareness is important.  It’s through the disability rights movement that the community as a whole can improve access and achieve things.  Focusing on little things for one condition or another can’t do as much much as focusing on the majority.  Which is why days like the International Day of Disabled People are much more relevant and important to me (the fact that the entry I wrote for it last year remains one of my most powerful in my opinion is nothing to do with that, honest)

I truly believe that the best way I can help myself and others with disabilities – be it those with CP in specific or disability in general – is just to live my life and get on with things. If people see me doing and being I think I achieve more than if I do some specific stunt to raise awareness of CP.  Because to me CP isn’t just one day – it’s everyday.  And I’m much too busy to do anything more than live my life.

>Writing is my passion

>I’m writing again.  Regularly and in decent amounts when I do write.  It’s only been this week but I’ve written everyday so I’m sure that counts as regular.  And today I’ve done absolutely loads.

I’ve been wanting to write I really have.  But with the way my depression crashed in and hit me I was fine if I had to leave the house and go somewhere for a set time, that I could do.  If it was something I had to do in my house like stick some clothes in to wash and something I needed to do but not at a set time that was a huge struggle.  And sadly, my lack of motivation extended even as far as writing.
But, on Monday I put fingers to keyboard once again and started typing.  Slowly but within minutes I was wondering why I’d put it off for so long.  I enjoyed it.  And it was easy and flowing and rewarding just like it used to be.  My depression induced writers block melted away like an ice cube on a hot sunny day.
Writing really is one of my passions and I hate it when that’s taken away from me – for whatever reason.  I’m very happy that I’ve got my meds sorted out and four weeks later they are working well.  I’m finding myself again.  I’m rediscovering my passions.  And most of all I’m writing and working towards my dream of one day being good enough to have a book published.
It’s a very good feeling, especially after so many bleak and dark weeks.

>Answers!

>Molly asked what inspired me to start blogging?

It’s so long ago I’m not sure to be honest! As far as I can remember in February 2000 someone I knew online told me about Diaryland and I thought it was cool and signed up. Updated a few times, got bored and didn’t go back. Then 8th November that year I was at uni and I had unlimited internet in my room and nothing to do. Remembered diaryland, signed into my account again, deleted the original entries (which I sort of regret now) and that was it. 7 main blogs (this is my 7th) and many other one off entries and random ideas later my 9th blogoversary will be in November this year.
It was easier to figure out what keeps me blogging. Fact is, I enjoy it. I gives me something to do, makes me write. It’s a huge huge outlet for me. It has also allowed me to make some great friends and also keep in better touch with some of my IRL friends too. The biggest thing about blogging for me I think is the ability to share information and experiences. I’ve always felt that one of my roles in life if you will is to show that being disabled isn’t the end of the world and how much more than what people see there is to it. Blogging is probably the best way to do that. It’s also why I enjoy taking part in things like Blogging Against Disablism Day and The Disability Blog Carnival so much.
The second question Molly asked was what my favourite film is? Hard to say. I’m not hugely into films and watch them again and again and again. I’m a now and again DVD type of person. Probably the Harry Potter films are my overall favourites. I also like the Sister Act ones and all three of the Thunderbirds ones too (yes, including the not as great 2004 one). Narnia is a favourite in books and I’ve liked the films too although prefer the books.
Diane said that when she stops writing due to tiredness or pain she has trouble getting going again and remembering where she was and wondered if I had any tips. Firstly, sorry for the crappy rewording of your question, going from memory here. Write or Die is a great resource for making you write and getting those words down. You need to remember to copy and paste into a document and save it when you’re done though!
I’ve also been learning this year about a process called “Free Writing” (I think it also has other names but I don’t know them). You set a timer and you just write. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t what you planned to write you just write it. In that time (I do 10 minutes) you don’t go back and edit it and you don’t second guess yourself. If you can’t think of anything to write then you sit and write about how hard it is to write and ramble on about that until you get over it.
Something else I do is I write what I want. If I’ve written point (or character) A and need to get to point/character B and don’t know how to do it I skip the getting there bit and write the next bit then do the getting there and joining up afterwards.
My sister left loads of questions on here. Which kind of surprised me because, she’s my sister, I figured she knew all she wanted or needed to. But they were interesting questions!
If I had to get a pet what would I get? I’d get fish. I am very animal phobic and fish seem low maintenance, fun to watch and something I’m not phobic about.
If I was changing my name, what would I change it to? I don’t think I would change my name, it’s who I am! And I’ve said for years that if I ever get married I won’t change my surname. But two names I really like are Zoe and Naomi.
If I had one wish what would it be? I probably should wish for a better world, more understand of disability issues. A world like this one. But in reality I think I would wish for children of my own. I would love to hold my own child in my arms (bet that surprised you!)
If I had to eat one food only for a month what would it be? Probably cheating to say one meal, not one food but – jacket potatoes and cheese. Easy and very very yummy and not too bad for you.
I haven’t forgotten that Diane also asked about Crip Culture or that Karen asked about what CP treatments I’ve had or that a while back Jacqui asked for the story of my powerchair. All of those things are topics I’d love to write about but which are long ones and need to be in separate entries. I hope to tackle most of them this week.

>CP had me

>I always say that I do so much and everything because I don’t know how to do or be any different.  I was brought up no different to my brother and sister and was brought up not to let the fact I have CP and use a wheelchair stop me.

It’s an attitude I’m grateful for and I couldn’t imagine being any other way.  I have CP.  I’ve always had it.  And I always will have it.  If I want to live my life and do things and achieve goals and make the most of whatever time I have then CP just is – it has to be.  I was talking to someone a few weeks ago (might have been a month or so, actually come to think of it) about the fact that I believe that having CP is what is right for me and that I have it because I have a soul which is strong enough to cope with it and for it not to matter to  me.  He, quite rightly, replied that it does matter.  And it does, of course it does.  I then clarified that to saying that CP matters but only in a good way.  It’s the whole “defines but does not confine” thing.

I also believe very strongly in the social model.  It’s a very useful thing which works on the principle that it is society and it’s set up – attitudes, access or lack of it, cultural norms – which disable me not the CP or the wheelchair.  Things that stop me or cause me issues/difficulties are not because of me or CP – they are not MY PROBLEM.  I have at times referred to bad things which cause me problems as “society hates disability”

Anyways, the downside of this is there is always, ALWAYS going to be odd time when it actually is CP which stops me.  I couldn’t take part in the regatta as fully as I wanted too yesterday and today.  And that, plain and simple, was CP taking a pot shot at me.  And nothing but CP.

Sucks.  Muchly.

I was a bit tearful about that at the time because I DON’T let CP stop me.  And I felt like I let down those who gave up their time and put so much effort into getting me there.

The fact of the matter is none of them are bothered about it and they all told me I did do well.  But, I’m Emma, I have CP it doesn’t have me.  But today, it hurt both physically, mentally and emotionally.

There may be a few things we can do to make things easier for me – a couple of us had a quick brainstorm at lunch.  In theory they should work if we can work out the specifics.  In practice, however, I don’t think it can be fully solved which may mean I don’t do a lot of regattas.  We shall see.

And in the meantime?  I remind myself that “A loser is someone who when knocked down, stays down” (unknown) and go onwards and upwards – on to the next thing.

Oh and I just googled that quote to see who said it – all four of the results are this blog, in particular (specifically) this entry here (love that quote)

>Anything Can Happen

>I travelled up to Birmingham yesterday and met up with my friend Rachel who I met at university and lived with for a year. It was really fun. Long, long day though. I ended up being out of the house for practically 12 hours (literally five minutes more and it would have been 12 hours). But so worth it.

I had a wander round the shops while I was waiting for her, we went to Pizza Hut, had another wander round the shops together and then went to the theatre to see the Mary Poppins musical. Went to Starbucks for a drink after (couldn’t track down an accessible pub on our way), wandered a little in paperchase then came home. Didn’t buy anything in all that shopping but I did get some merchandise at the theatre.

I loved loved LOVED the show. It’s touring at present but instead of a week here and a week there it’s just doing a couple of months each in about four or five places. I’m glad I had my initial “Birmingham is too far” thoughts (figuratively) slapped out of my head and arranged to go. The best bit was seeing the different ways in which they did things which were in the film. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was probably the best of those.

Some parts of the show aren’t in the film and vice versa. Rachel said she didn’t like one of the songs that isn’t in the film and whilst I didn’t think it was the best of the songs I wouldn’t go so far as to say I didn’t like that. To me the differences were part of what made it so magical.

And it was magical, it really was. There were stunts done in there that I didn’t think were possible in a small touring production. But then again 1) I don’t know this can be called “small” and 2) I suspect that might be part of the reason why they aren’t doing a huge multi-venue tour.

I think my favourite-ist song was one that wasn’t in the film – Anything Can Happen.

It’s got great lyrics which make me laugh and smile. And a fabulous message, one I need reminding of now and then – Anything can happen if you let it – I’d not thought I needed that reminder now but I guess I did because it’s made me feel more determined about a few things I’ve been debating.

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen if you let it
Sometimes things are difficult but you can bet it
Doesn’t have to be so

[JANE]
Changes can be made

[MICHAEL]
You can move a mountain if you use a larger spade

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen, it’s a marvel

[MICHAEL]
You can be a butterfly

[JANE]
Or just stay larval

[JANE & MICHAEL]
Stretch your mind beyond fantastic
Dreams are made of strong elastic

[MARY POPPINS]
Take some sound advice and don’t forget it

[WINIFRED, JANE & MICHAEL]
Anything can happen if you let it

[WINIFRED]
I wonder…

[ALL]
Anything can happen if you let it

[WINIFRED]
You won’t know a challenge until you’ve met it

[MICHAEL]
No one does it for you

[WINIFRED]
No one but yourself
Vacillating violets get left up on the shelf
Anything can happen, just imagine

[MARY POPPINS]
That should be epitaph
I wear the badge in
Hhonour of this world’s free thinkers

[WINIFRED]
Those who see beyond their blinkers

[JANE & MICHAEL]
Jelly isn’t jelly

[WINIFRED, JANE & MICHAEL]
‘Til you set it
Anything can happen if you let it

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen if you let it
What good is a whistle

[BERT]
Unless you whet it

[MARY POPPINS & BERT]
Broaden your horizons

[BERT]
Open different doors

[MARY POPPINS & BERT]
You may find a you there that you never knew was yours

[BERT & MRS CORRY]
Anything can happen

[MRS CORRY]
Raise the curtain
Things you though impossible

[BERT & MRS CORRY]
Will soon seem certain
Thought at first it may sound clownish
See the world more upside-downish
Turn it on its head then pirouette it

[BERT, MRS CORRY & LAMP-LIGHTERS]
Anything can happen if you let it

[MARY POPPINS]
If you reach for the stars
All you get are the stars
But we’ve found a whole new spin
If you reach for the heavens
You get the stars thrown in

[ALL]
You get the stars thrown in

If you reach for the stars
All you get are the stars
But we’ve found a whole new spin
If you reach for the heavens
You get the stars thrown in

Anything can happen if you let it
Life is out there waiting so go and get it
Grab it by the collar, seize it by the scruff
Once you’ve started living life you just can’t get enough

Anything can happen, it’s official
You can choose the super or the superficial
Sally forth the way we’re steering
Obstacles start disappearing
Go and chase your dreams you won’t regret it
Anything can happen
(Anything can happen)
Anything can happen

[MARY POPPINS, JANE & MICHAEL]
Anything can happen

[ALL]
If you let it

>”February is fabulous”

>A long time ago, on a Tuesday in February, I was diagnosed with depression.  And one week later on another Tuesday I received a phone call.

I was excited when I saw who was calling on the screen of my mobile.  But I should have known it wasn’t a good thing – because we were great friends but she never called me – it was always text and e-mail with the very odd letter.   Never in a million years did I expect what came next.  She had died the day before.

This year marks five years since the day I received that diagnosis. the day a week later when I received that phone call is five years ago tomorrow.  She died five years ago today.  I don’t know how it can have been five years.  It feels like yesterday.
Thursday marks eight years since her older sister and another good friend of mine died.  I don’t know how it can have been eight years.  It feels like yesterday.

And 11 days ago was the first birthday of Stevie’s since he left us.  In three months it will be a year – but it still definitely feels like the rainy day I sat watching candles burn and watching the rain poor down the window in my back door was yesterday.

February isn’t a great month for me, I really don’t like it.   But this year I’m working on the premise that “February is fabulous”.  And I’m remembering my friends by having fun and doing things and simply by LIVING.

I can’t say I haven’t had bad minutes/hours/days.  Because I have.  But it has made it easier.

I got told something today that would usually send me spinning and upset me.  Today I was just really amused – and I also thought it was really pathetic.  I think maybe this attitude is making me a bit of a bitch.  But it works for me.

I’m enjoying February more than I have in the longest time.

>A Review of 2007 In Survey Form

>

A Review of 2007 In Survey Form

 

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Got a tattoo. Learned to knit. Helped to run training for new people at work. Saw Daniel Radcliffe naked.

 

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I had goals I was working towards – some I met and others I’m still working on.  Still others were unsuccessful.  I will set new goals for next year as I do frequently – reevaluating my life and situation.

 

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my good friend and “older brother” Stevie died on 12th May (which also happens to be my mum’s birthday.  When I knew he was very ill and may die I lit candles and was simply praying for him.  But all I could pray was “not another death” and also think of this survey and pray that I could have year when I could answer no to this question.

 

5. What countries did you visit?

Ireland and Scotland (in June on my JST trip)

 

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

If I can I’d like to come off or reduce some of my medication but I refuse to beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.

 

 

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

21st July – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows released

12th May – Stevie died

13th April, got my tat.

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

The fact that as of this writing I only have to take my medication tomorrow and I won’t have missed a single dose this year.  For the girl who spent most of last year chosing not to take the damn tablets because she “couldn’t be bothered” or had better things to do or it was just too much like hard work that’s pretty damn amazing.

 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

 Not standing up for myself more.

 

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I actually think this year was pretty healthy for me; I had three spells of in bed for a few days illnesses and my spasticity levels are currently outrageously ridiculous BUT I only had two course of Abx and I didn’t miss a single dose of medication!

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

New Matress and New dryer. The Jazzy also ought to have a mention here too.

 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Too many to mention

 

 

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Local government services – both in the way they treated me personally and with what I’ve seen through CAB.   Oh and the medical purser on my JST voyage.

 

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

My holiday

 

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to see KIM!!! We’d lost touch and hadn’t seen each other for three or four years.

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

I really can’t think of one.

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner

iii. richer or poorer? In real terms, probably poorer but I will say richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with people; swimming.

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Obsessing about things and getting stressed and depressed about them.

 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

At my parents house

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?

No, love is overrated

23. How many one-night stands?

None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

Grey’s Anatomy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I have very different opinions of a few people but I wouldn’t go as far as saying I hate them, it’s too strong of a word.

 

26. What was the best book you read?

I had thought it would be Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  But whilst that was a good book and I did love it.  In some ways it was full of cliches and disappointing.  So, probably Pride and Prejudice.  A close second would be the book I’m reading now but as I’ve yet to finish it, it doesn’t count.

 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Voltaire, probably.

 

28. What did you want and get?

Lots of things – I’ve been making things happen for myself this year.

 

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

I didn’t go to the cinema once so probably Simpsons Movie which we watched on DVD on my birthday.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Had dinner at my parents house, played a game of Articulate and watched the simpsons movie. We went to see Starlight Express (tix were my birthday present) a few days later. I turned 26!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nothing really.  I know that I couldn’t have undone the thing I hated most and I never can – so I refuse to obsess about it.  Especially because if it was undone I would never have learned certain lessons and wouldn’t even have realised the significance of it.

 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Clothes that don’t fit because they are either too big or too small!

 

34. What kept you sane?

Knitting, Reading

 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Gordon Ramsay (is slightly ashamed of that answer)

 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Ashley X/Katie Thorpe/Charlotte Wyatt (although we here very little about her now) – right to life, eugenics and medical treatment with disabilities in short.  As a small side note, this is the 4th year I’ve done this quiz and at least the 3rd when Charlotte Wyatt has been the issue that stirred me most (or part of it)

 

37. Who did you miss?

Stevie. Nanny, Gran and to a lesser extent my two Grandad’s.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I refuse to name names as I don’t like this question. I know who they are however and it’s someone I met last year but got to know properly and truly call a friend this year.  Or actually there are two people that could be and it’s kind of both.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

Do or do not, there is no “try”

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well I’m not crazy
I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see a different side of me
I’m not crazy
I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be

~ Matchbox Twenty – Unwell.  Because it’s where I was and kind of where I still am.  Also because I’m leaving that behind and that deserves to be acknowledged.

Or because things are a lot better and this more accurately sums up where I am now:

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of
reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

~Anyway, Martina McBride

>Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

>

Well I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold, it’s a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What’s really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah.

This is probably going to be the first of several “songs of my life” entries written this week as I have a couple of other songs I want to put here.  And also it stops me having to write about how I’m feeling mentally/emotionally right now (not good).

I love this song.  I loved the Rufus Wainright version of this song (from Shrek) when I first heard it but then I heard this version a few weeks ago and it moved me even more.  I love it.

Mostly I just love the slow quiet peaceful feel it has.  It’s calming, healing almost.   And with my head a mess of thoughts and emotions, with my demon resurfacing once again, it is welcome.  It soothes me when my soul is troubled as it has been all too often just lately.  I don’t know if it’s the words or even the message – but it’s definitely the melody.  and it’s definitely all those things mixed together to form a whole that is greater than it’s parts.

I’ve never been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and I don’t think that I have it to it’s true extent.  But it’s certainly true that I struggle big style at this time of year.  I never noticed it before I went to uni and I used to think it came down to getting used to new carers, new housemates and new classes at this time of the year with the start of a new semester at the beginning of October.  Now however I can’t help thinking that definitely did play a part (because I am struggling more this year than last due to the drastic change in my support situation), the light and the lack of it as well as the cold weather, crisp breezes and icy paths played the biggest part.

It’s tough right now.

But I keep going.  Safe in the knowledge that I have sixteen more doses of medication to take this year – and then I won’t have missed a single dose in 2007.

I am making progress and leaving my demons mostly in my past.  It just doesn’t feel like it all the time.

>My Give a Damn’s Busted

>As I posted earlier in the week, it wasn’t the best week for me. Particularly not Wednesday which was for reasons that I can’t talk about here.

It shocked me how much that one stupid little incident got to me and really got me down. In fact, it even scared me a little. Particularly because it was something relatively normal for me and that I could have no way predicted would trigger my depression. Usually I am vaguely away that things will/may be hard and I can prepare for that but this just blindsided me.

There is a tentative plan in place for me to come off of antidepressants at some point next year and I felt so bad that I was worried that long longed for chance was slipping through my fingers before it had even arrived. So feeling that bad was scary.

It comes back to the no longer having the perspective to know what a “normal” down day is. And also the PMS thing played a part, but not in how much it has stayed with me since.

I’ve restarted my PMS supplements since that day (in fact, all of my supplements) and I’ve been able to express all this to people who know the exact details. I even have a sort of semi plan in place to prevent the above happening again. I just need to find the strength to implement it properly and stick to my guns.

So writing this I guess it was a good to have bad experience – and coping with bad/tough experiences is sort of why I’m still a prozac princess – as my GP put it one of my biggest issues now is my confidence and we are hoping that a bit longer on meds dealing with normal life may build it up a bit.

Today I do feel a bit less down and a bit better.

Tough, scary, horrible week – done.

My battle – still going, still winning.


On the way home from Sainsbury’s at lunchtime this song came on my iPod. Says it all really.


Well, you filled up my head
With so many lies
Twisted my heart
Till something snapped inside
I’d like to give it one more try
But my give a damn’s busted

You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long
go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn’s busted

[chorus]
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
Naw, sorry, nothin’

You can say you’ve got issues
You can say you’re a victim
It’s all your parents’ fault, I mean
After all, you didn’t pick ’em
Well, maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give a damn’s busted

Well, your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uh, who’s your enabler these days
My give a damn’s busted

[chorus]
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
No, still nothin’

It’s a desperate situation
No tellin’ what you’ll do
If I don’t forgive you
You say your life is through
Come on, give me somethin’ I can use
My give a damn’s busted

Well, I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
No man, sorry
Just nothin, nope
You’ve really done it this time
My give a damn’s busted

My Give a Damn’s Busted – Jo Dee Messina