I have for the most part had a good week.
I’m not sure I’ve done too great at the taking care of myself part but I have taken my antidepressant everyday except one where I went to take it and couldn’t remember if I had or not. I was pretty sure I hadn’t but not sure. Anyway after much faffing I decided to take one because I used to be on 100mg rather than the 50mg I am now so if I had taken two (slim chance) it wouldn’t matter. But I forgot to do that.
Yesterday afternoon I felt very low about a very small thing- but I kept reminding myself that I was exhausted after spending the morning with family and the entirity of the day before in London so that wouldn’t have helped me deal with it properly.
When I was in Sainsburys yesterday lunchtime I saw that a book series I love had a new one out. It was in hardback and usually I wait for the paperback (even if I get it on Kindle) but I treated myself to the Kindle version and I’ve been enjoying reading it.
And (this is going to get it’s own blog but just in passing) I pushed myself to be brave do something I’ve been wanting to despite the “I don’t know if I like this” moment I had when I got there. I was really glad I did because I enjoyed it.
It’s been a much better week than the previous one. Which is good. I’d almost say it’s been a surprisingly good week but that might be taking it too far.
I’ve been taking my meds as prescribed and am up to 50mg now. I’d been convinced when I saw the doctor that might not do it (because I was on 100mg of the same med before) but actually I now think it might. It’s early days though so best to leave it and see.
One of the things that I’ve been wanting to do (that’s on my twenty things list) is now planned and I’m going to do it with one of my friends at the end of this week. I’m looking forward to that. I should also be doing another of them next week and am hoping to sneak a third in either this week or next depending on time constraints (both the thing I’m doing this week and the thing I hope to do next week should be close enough to the third to fit it in while there if I have time).
And I’ve been taking time out to read. Which is huge because I was so down I didn’t have the motivation to do that which if you know me well was a worrying sign. I read the most amazing book over the last two days and just totally lost myself in it. I’ll post a review of it tomorrow.
In fact I think I’ll leave this here and go get some lunch before doing some more reading.
It’s generally been a terrrible week but there have been a few good moments and I’ve had a great day today despite a few moments of anxiety (new people, train faffing)
I’ve had three days of antibiotics (nitrofurantoin 100mg x 2 daily) for a UTI. And I ended up feeling physically appalling. Sick, dizzy and yucky on top of the usual UTI symptoms. Finished those yesterday and feel better today which sort of proves the theory that I’ve had for a while that nitrofurantoin makes me nauseaous. As UTIs can make me feel sick it’s been hard to tell. I’m not 100% right yet.
I had a whole night of insomnia. Which may or may not have had to do with the fact that i felt too crappy mid afternoon that day to stay up and slept deeply for two hours. It is unusual for a nap to keep me up all night though.
Depression has been kicking my ass and I think I probably hit the point where I was as bad as I was in the days before I was first diagnosed. I’ve been to the doctors and am back on sertraline – 50mg a day though rather than the 100mg I was on until last year. Well, at the moment I’m taking half a tablet a day for a few days/week to wean on to it slowly. I actually ended up having to tell CAB a day in advance that I couldn’t come in so I could go to that appt (when I rung and got an appt with the GP I wanted to see the day before I wasn’t going to say no) but it’s a good job I did because I was so yucky with the UTI I’d have not been able to go in anyway.
But as I said there have been a few good things.
I was well enough to go to a show on Friday night – Stephen K Amos. Well, I still felt crap but I felt OK enough to go especially given I was only 10 mins from home so if I’d started feeling rubbish I could have got back easily. He was good. A funny guy and a good performer but not one of my favourites. I probably wouldn’t go and see him live again but I’m really glad we went as it was a good evening.
Today I went to Oxford and sort of met up with the NaNo group. A new ish member and I had been chatting online and had agreed to meet up. And then a meet up was set up by someone else for the group. So I went in and found her easily and we chatted loads and enjoyed it. I did eventually figure out that the rest of the group (two I’d met once or twice and two I didn’t know) were over the other side of the Jam Factory but we were having quite a specific conversation which we were enjoying and they were writing so we stayed there. I had a bit of time after she left and debated going over to say hi but decided against it as I didn’t have long. I got my book out and read a couple of pages then one of them came over and said “Emma?” and I joined them for 10 mins before coming home. I enjoyed it.
So things may be looking a little brighter. But there’s still a long way to go.
I’m eating maltesers whilst writing this. I treated myself to a maltesers easter egg when I went to Sainsburys on Friday, ate the egg yesterday and left the maltesers for today. That’s probably more self indulgence rather than self care (self care would be cutting down the amount of chocolate I eat which realistically is something I desperately need to do). But they are yummy and I don’t care. Last year I treated myself to several maltesers easter eggs but I am hoping to find more willpower this year and have this be the only one.
It’s not been a great week to be honest. My mood has been pretty low at times – sort of zig zagged between that and normal. I should probably do something about that but as yet I haven’t despite keep thinking “I’ll do XYZ tomorrow.” Probably a visit to the GP wouldn’t go amiss but most of the GPs I know have left the surgery over the last year and a bit (I don’t think I’ve seen a GP since last March), my GP is someone I’ve never met now and the GP who used to be mine is still there but for very few hours and is very hard to get an appointment is. To be honest it feels like getting an appointment would be stressful and going might not be much better. Which is crap I should probably just go. Or take my damn meds or something – it’s roughly a year since I stopped taking ADs,
What has been good this week?
I read a short novel cover to cover on Friday and really enjoyed it.
I started making plans for a friend and I go do something I’ve wanted to for ages
Next week I should finally be having coffee (I have no idea why I call it having coffee when I don’t like coffee but I do) with someone from an online/offline writers group – that’s been on the cards for a few weeks but schedules and the distance apart we live have made it tricky to arrange.
I had lunch with a good friend I’ve not seen in a few months. That was a lot of fun and the pizza I had was delicious. I keep swearing that next time we go I’ll choose something else but I never do… And I just interupted writing this to send her and email about going for a drink or something one evening like we’d talked about. Not letting things slip.
Curating the Oxford is Yours twittter account has been an interesting experience too.
So perhaps I’ve had a better week than it would first seem. But a proper look at my mental health is still something that I need to do. Much as I’d rather not.
I’ve had a good week. I’m really tired today for some reason though. This became clear when I was talking to my sister on the phone. I asked how she was, she told me. Then she asked how I was and I told her before asking how she was again. I did immediately go “oh, I already asked you that” She offered to say something different in response this time but I turned her down.
Yesterday I went shopping for the day and then came home and watched TV and listened to an audiobook (Northern Lights by Philip Pullman) and the like. I didn’t go online at all which is good. I also started reading an actual book (The Supreme Macaroni Company by Adriana Trigani) which is really good because I’ve not been reading much at all this month. This is demonstrated by the fact the only book I’ve been reading is Northern Lights and that took me 15 days to listen to.
The other good things this week is that I’ve managed to drastically cut down how much coke I drink which is something I’ve been needing/wanting to do for ages. I did end up with a pretty stonking headache the second day though.
And I’m just about to have pizza for tea and then take over the OxfordIsYours twitter account for the week 🙂
I think I’ve done good with self care this week. Nothing hugely tangible but I’ve definitely done better at saying no to things and enforcing my limits. And although I didn’t manage to spend the entire day yesterday offline like I’d thought about doing I have managed to spend less time online in general. Whilst I do really enjoy days that are completely offline I think a general reduction would probably be better or at least do me more good. It’s still a work in progress though and probably always will be.
Unfortunately I’ve also had a bit of an access problem this week and I probably didn’t handle that too well. Or at least not when someone only vaguely related to what happened inserted themselves into a discussion about it and started telling me I had to understand the stituation and also that it was a mistake that probably shouldn’t have happened. Someone who appeared not to understand the situation themselves. Mostly due to their able priviledge.
I did manage to escape from that situation and from another where I (stupidly) put myself in a situation of having to deal with someone I can’t stand due to their being an arrogant idiot without wanted to bang my head against a brick wall though.
It seems like I’ve not a lot to say this week but on the whole it’s generally very positive.
This week has been a difficult one in many ways. I felt like I bounced from problem to problem for several days. I have managed to deal with and resolve all but one of them (that one is a work in progress) but it’s taken it out of me. I’m writing this blog entry at a writers group in Oxford at which no writers appear to have come but me and a friend who came with me. I’m really hoping the train trip home will be as easy as usual. And part of me is wishing I’d stayed close to home today. I did enjoy lunch with my friend though. I don’t know what the wifi password is in here so I’ll probably post this when I get home.
Unless I change my mind and write a whole other self care Sunday blog post.
Luckily my trip to London on Friday went really well and was completely hitch free. I met up with another friend and we went to The Royal Albert Hall and we went to see Cirque du Soleil’s Kooza. The show was absolutely incredible and I loved it. Several of the stunts were the sort that made you gasp in shock and then watch with your heart in your mouth sorts though. I think they play on that.
It remains difficult to decide what to call self care and what isn’t. I’m doing better than I have in a long time in taking care of myself but I still need to be doing better.
But as I wrote that it occurred to me that I’ve contradicted myself a bit with that statement. It’s true that my sleep pattern remains screwy and I’m not eating as well as I’d like or achieving everything I’d like to be. I am achieving more things – my goals for this blog were ones I met in January for one example and I listened to an audiobook (my goal is one a month) for another.
So it might be that what I really need to do is stop being so hard on myself? That’s something I’m going to need to think about. And perhaps to work on.
I’m beginning to suspect that starting up these Self Care Sunday blog posts again was a mistake. I don’t feel like I’ve got a lot to say and stopping to think about it can get stressful.
But actually I think I have still done things this week that are self care. Little things not really worth mentioning but worth doing perhaps? I can’t remember what I wrote here last week but I think it might have been something similar to this. Next week may well turn out to be a week with more self care because of what it’s planned to involve. That doesn’t help me with what to write this week though.
Since I last updated about my writing I’ve written a couple of thousand words of my novel which is a good thing and much better than the 0 it had stood at for the few weeks before.
I continue to fill a jar with things to remember about this year. Sometimes I have a default obvious thing to write and others, like today, I don’t seem to have anything. Today’s might well end up being I read fanfic all afternoon. But I’m about to force myself offline and go do some knitting so that might change yet…
And earlier this week I managed a 50 minute session in my standing frame.
Ignoring the negative things I want to write like “I have spent entirely too much time online this week” I think that’s all I’ve got to say on the subject of Self Care for this particular Sunday.
I’m sure there are plenty of things I’ve done this week that can be considered taking care of myself but mostly all I can think of right now is I took a nap this afternoon and I’ve got a dinner in the oven I’m looking forward too. I’m still quite sleepy to be honest.
I have in a miniscule way eaten slightly healthier this week. But lets not pretend that my diet could ever be called actually healthy.
Oh and I’ve had my Just Dance 2015 out and used it on several days so that’s exercise. Plus, three uses of the standing frame. Although the standing frame is very definitely physio and not exercise. Physio is important.
This is quite a disjointed blog entry to be honest but sometimes days and weeks are like that and that means the blog entries about them are too.
I’ve just remembered what it was I was going to write about for Self Care Sunday.
Today is the second day this week I’ve been a homebody and chilled rather than going out. That’s unusual for me at any time of year. It’s even more unusual at this time of year when the always present fear of bad weather leaving me housebound for several days exists Tuesday I was home mostly because of the weather, today because I had nowhere to go and kept thinking “I’ll go for a wander in a bit” and never made it out. It got to 4pm and I was on the phone to mum. She pointed out if I was going for that wander I should go soon before it got dark. I admitted to myself that leaving the house wasn’t going to happen because I just didn’t want to and went to bed instead.
A weekly moment to stop and think about what I’ve done in the past seven days that could be considered taking care of myself.
This week I think self care has been about friends. I’ve been feeling for a while that I’m a bit lacking in friends. One or two have moved away over the last few years, others I’ve lost touch with or otherwise don’t have contact with. Drifted away, that sort of thing. I’ve been thinking about ways I might meet some new friends but I’ve also been trying to keep in touch with those old ones too.
I finally remembered to text one of those drifted friends and see if she wants to meet up. We used to see each other every week at a regular activity but since the summer it’s only been two minute chats in passing if we bumped into each other. I’ve been telling the others who go that I was going to text her and check in but then I’d get home and forget… So I’m pleased I finally remembered
I’ve started making arrangements to meet up with a friend for coffee later this month. She’s one of those who used to live here but moved away. I’m going to be in her part of the world with my mum for the day and I won’t have a lot of time but I’ve come to the conclusion I can leave home a little early and we can have a drink and a catch up for an hour or so before Mum and I dive off to the part of the city we’re visiting.
Ever since I’ve had this powerchair I’ve been putting off going to Birmingham because I wasn’t sure if I could get my chair on those trains (if the ramps would be too steep and cause the safety mechanism to kick in which stops me tipping the chair on steep things by killing my moment). I’ve practically (next month) had this chair three years. And that’s meant I’ve not seen some of my old uni friends for three years – because we all used to get the train and meet in Birmingham. Then I was out of the habit and….
I sucked up my courage and made plans to meet one of them. I was quite unsure if it would work with the train issue and the weather was windy and horrid and it’d been so long since we met I didn’t feel much like it early yesterday morning when I had to leave the house. But I went and I got on the train with no problems (if you ignore the bit where I nearly injured a child when I was half way up the ramp onto the train and her dad let her run in front of him down it). I wandered around the shops for an hour until my friend’s train got in then went back to the station (it’s only a couple of minutes away) to meet up. We got pizza and chatted loads, wandered around the shops a bit, went to starbucks, chatted more, wandered around some more (neither of us bought anything though) and then went back to the station and went our separate ways.
She said she was just as unsure and not keen as I was. We had a brilliant time and it wasn’t awkward at all. It’s a bit cliche but it was like we’d just seen each other the day before. And we don’t have a definite date to meet again just yet but we’ll be back in Birmingham meeting up again in a few months I think – if things work out we’ll be seeing Dirty Dancing which is the musical I tried to see for my birthday in December here in Oxford when access fail rather spectacularly put paid to that.
I feel pretty good this week.