>Looking Back – and then briefly forward

>I wrote my first ever blog entry almost 11 years ago.  A couple of days ago I started playing with the “you might also like” feature on this blog and started reading some of my older entries (which go back to March 2006 on her as my Wheelchair Princess archives are also here).  And then yesterday I went back even earlier and was reading stuff from 2003/2004.  This evening I went all the way back to the very beginning 8th November 2000. And it really hooked me in.

It’s really interesting going back all those years and seeing what I was up too then.  My style back then seems to have been much more “what I was up to” than it is now.  Possibly part of that has to do with it being a diary rather than a blog.  Diaries and blogs were different things you see (totally not sure what the difference was though other than blogs having multiple entries to a page and diaries just having one).  In many ways I think I miss that style, I should make more of an effort to write about things I’m doing rather than just thoughts and book reviews.

I’d implied certain things and now I have no idea what they were “a certain person is annoying me again” that sort of thing. And at times I have an idea who it probably was but at others I’m clueless.  Plus I was much less aware of internet and personal safety – some of the comments I made about my friends with their names are completely inappropriate. Jeez I’d never write that stuff now. And at one point I named both the very small village where my Gran and Grandad lived and the town I live in.  The name of the hall at uni I lived in is used liberally too.

The other thing that it made me realise was just how long I’ve had depression.  I was diagnosed in Feb 2003 and I’ve always said that I was depressed for most of a year before that to a greater or lesser degree (things came to ahead in late 2002 but it took until Feb 03 for my friends to talk me into getting help).  Reading entries from early 2001 however I make numerous references to being depressed and struggling emotionally so perhaps it’s been even longer than I remembered.  I’m not sure how I feel about that

Several of my earlier years of blogging are lost and I’ve said before that in some ways thats a good thing because those entries make me cringe.  But actually tonight even my very first blog entry didn’t make me cringe.  It did however make me think I should do something to save all those entries just in case.

It’s very interesting looking back like that – I could do with going to bed relatively soon or I’d probably still be doing it right now.  As well as looking back however it’s got me looking forward.  In five or ten years time will I be looking back at this entry and the others I’ve written this year remembering and wondering?  I think my current blog entries wouldn’t be such a good memory aide and the feelings and memories wouldn’t be so vivid.  I think I need to change that.

>Updates

>Recent happenings and not so recent things I’ve forgotten to mention but occur to me now:

I’ve made some baby steps on the way to starting to lose weight again so I’m hoping the scales will start moving downwards again very soon!  Specifically I’ve given up coke and chocolate again.

My leg is still nasty but is improving very slowly.  I’m really glad they gave me more antibiotics after all because clearly they are doing something.  Being on this level of antibiotics and having been on antibiotics for so long is making me feel a bit rubbish though!  I’ve been resting a lot these last two days and trying to take better care of myself and as a result I’m not feeling as run down.

I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out if the Sertraline is helping me and not coming to any conclusions.  It’s too soon to tell however so I’ve decided to (try to) forget about that question for now.  I’m certainly no worse and feeling a little bit more positive for having taken control back.  Equally I keep deciding that my spasticity is a little less with coming off the fluoxetine and upping the baclofen and then deciding that no, it’s not.  I meant to ask my mum when she popped round this evening for her opinion but then completely forgot when she was here.

I am now on the waiting list for a neuro physio assessment, having been encouraged to ask for that following my free 30 minutes with a physio at Naidex.  I’d decided not to ask for that as I didn’t think I had any options other than more baclofen and botox.  More baclofen the GP can and does do and botox is not something I’m prepared to consider.  But chatting to the physio was really good and it appears I have several other options I’d not realised I had.  No idea how long the waiting list is though.

Meet the physio made staying overnight at Naidex and all the hassle that went on worth it.  Meet the OT, not so much.  She started off by commenting that she didn’t know why I’d bothered to make an appt as I had Sarah (@GentleChaos, who is an OT as well as a crip and who knows that OT I think) with me.  Totally missing the point that Sarah’s my friend and I don’t want to make her my OT as well!!  And then when I asked my question about wheelchairs she started trying to tell me I should learn to drive and then about places where I could get special wheelie clothing.  Anyway, enough about Naidex.

Have been wondering about the possibility of going to Stoke for a day to visit some friends and revisit my old uni days haunts.  Having looked at the train times however I’m sure it didn’t used to take that long and therefore having a rethink on the possibility… it’s not out but it’s more of a maybe than I thought.  I’d like to go back to Stoke for a visit and we’ve been trying to come up with different things to do when we meet up (usually in Birmingham) which is what made me think of it.  Looks like I might need to investigate some other options as well..  Not going away this summer but would like to have a couple of days out doing something different to usual.

Speaking of days out, I’m speaking at an event in Coventry on Tuesday and then one in London the Tuesday after.  I’m looking forward to them even though the topic wouldn’t have been my first choice to go and speak about.  Plus, it’s nice to be asked to something that hasn’t go to do with being a crip for once!