A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes…

I’ve been doing a fair amount of writing (fiction) and the character I was writing about was thinking about the disney version of Cinderella. Specifically the song lyric “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep.” And then I started thinking about it.

I frequently remember my dreams. They are very detailed and often borderline surreal. I can remember dreams I had months or years ago although not usually when I had them. I also have a recurring dream. I’ve not had it for absolutely ages but it was the one that came to mind. I think taking baclofen might have something to do with the way my dreams are – although even as a young child in my medicationless days I still remembered some of my dreams. But I think I read somewhere that baclofen can cause nightmares in young children? So it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to think it’s got something to do with the way my dreams are. (Side note I wrote half of this entry then came back to finish it a week later. During that time another CPer brought up the baclofen weird dreams thing so it seems I’m not the only one)

Anyway my recurring dream is that I’m out somewhere, it could be anywhere and usually is a different setting each time I dream it. And I’m not in my wheelchair. I’m walking around. Whatever’s going on in the dream is happening and all is good. But then in the dream I suddenly remember that I can’t walk. The dream is derailed (I think last time I was in a shopping centre and trying to find somewhere to buy a sandwich) and I spend the rest of it hunting around, crawling or more likely shuffling on my tummy (as thats what I actually have to do if I don’t have a mobility aid) in a bit of a panic looking for my wheelchair. This is always a dream and as yet has never taken the form of a nightmare but every few months I’ll have a variant of it.

So when a dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep came to mind I started wondering what wish that dream could represent.

My first thought (and it was one I didn’t like) was whether it could be construed as a secret wish to be able to walk. I imagine that’s what a lot of people reading this would take it to be. Especially those who knew me back in the days when I was a long distance manual wheeler and short distance walker but who don’t see me often now.

I can stand. I can take a few steps when I transfer and very very very rarely if the stars align meaning I both need to and I’m having an amazing day at the same time I can walk a few metres with a walker (specifically, for the curious, I have a rollator). Yesterday and today were the first days that happened since the first week in January.

I’m really glad I have the level of mobility I do. I work hard with the help of my family to maintain that. But walking is exhausting, it’s painful and the risk of a fall and injury is always lurking unseen. Plus, I have no balance so I can’t do or carry anything when I’m on my feet. If I’m in my chair I have less pain, it takes less energy, my seating support means my balance is much less of an issue. I can do things and be independent in a way that I never could without my wheelchair.

In the past almost 13 years since I went to uni I’ve gone from using a walker inside and a manual outside through using a manual all the time to my current set up where I use my manual in the house and a couple of other places and use my powerchair if I’m out. There are small changes I’d like to make – I at times miss my mad wheeling skillz I had with my manual in my uni days – but walking isn’t one of them. For someone like me walking really is overrated.

No what I think the dream represents is a feeling of safety and independence. Because as well as giving me independence my chair makes me feel safe. I can move much quicker, safer and easier. I can react if I need too. When there was an argument outside my flat right a few days ago I delayed going to bed until it stopped. I felt I needed my mobility just in case.

And most of all it represents being whole. Because my wheelchairs are a part of my body. And a huge part of me. So maybe dreaming that I’ve lost it and panicking until I find it is about being accepted. By others and by myself.

>A (Mostly Medical) Few Things

>I started a new medication last week, Terbinafine.  It’s only one tablet a day but it tastes disgusting and no matter what I do it seems to dissolve in my mouth.  I’m gonna be on it for three months, maybe a little longer (possibly up to six) which is a bit better than a new permanent medication.  That’s apparently harsh on the liver which made me worry a bit about whether I should take it.  So we agreed that I would have a blood test part way through the course which they don’t normally do.  I’m hoping the fact I’ve lost more weight will mean that it’s a lot easier to do this time!  Oh and apparently it might increase my fluoxetine levels in my blood slightly and I need to watch that.  Not sure how I do that but equally I’m not convinced it wouldn’t be a bad thing.  I’m not OMG depressed but certainly a little flat the last week or so.  Probably a result of being ill so it should go off soon, I hope.

Actually, I started another new medication a while ago but I don’t think I ever blogged about it.  That’s Mefenamic Acid and I just take it three times a day when I’ve got my period (and the day or so before if I know it’s coming which I never do anymore, *sigh*).  It’s to prevent a recurrence of the two week long bleeding nightmare periods I’ve had a couple of in the last year or so.  It seemed to work well when I took it although I would have preferred to go on something to regulate it.  But I couldn’t get in with my regular GP and the GP I saw wanted to prescribe the pill for me (instead of a few days a month of Noristerone which my GP was going to give me if it came to it, which it has).  The pill which both my regular GP and the nurse I see regularly say I can’t have (overweight, wheelchair user with a family history of DVT).  I queried it with that GP who checked a book and said I could take it but the patient information leaflet would say I couldn’t.  I said no to that prospect!

I’m really, really hoping that I’ll be almost at the 2 stone lost mark when I weigh in tomorrow.  In fact I’m secretly hoping I’ll be there but that’s 3lb+ in a week and is probably unrealistic!

Walked more on Saturday then I have in a long time.  Went to visit my Uncle and his partner in their new house which has a lot of walking in it.  It’s a lovely house with some amazing views and it was lovely to see them  My legs are feeling quite tight now however which isn’t great.  I’ve upped my baclofen for a few days (script is written for me to do that if I feel I need to).

I have been online entirely too much since I came home from the bureau.