I wrote the following for the One Day In History project which is trying to get Britain’s biggest blog written about people’s experiences on an “ordinary tuesday” – today.
Bit of a rubbish day today. Well, a good day but I didn’t have any concrete plans and I’ve a lot on my mind so I’m feeling a bit down. I always get a bit down when I don’t really have anything concrete to do. Good god I wish my depression would just go away. But then in a strange way I’m glad I have it because I couldn’t have gone on like I was and also I’ve learnt some important things from it. I’ve learnt them now though so it can go away. Immediately.
I’ve just been reading and hanging out on the computer for the most part. I was reading a Chalet School book. I first read those when I was a child and I am rediscovering them now. They are set in and around the Second World War (although that is barely touched on which I think is a shame). I’m really kicking myself for having got rid of most of my copies. But I am loving ebay for buying more.
That’s a period of our history that really interests me. I was trying to figure out the other day why exactly that intrigues me and not the First World War but I don’t know. Maybe because I grew up with the CS books and also I loved watching Goodnight Sweetheart on TV (I’ve been watching repeats of that on TV today). It was a favourite part of my GCSE History at school too. I keep meaning to have a look on Wikipedia or go to the library for some books about it so I can read more (trying to spend less time on the computer) but I am a procrastination princess and I’ve not managed it yet.
I did my food shopping today and then had to go back out again later for a jobs paper and the post office. Someone tried to stop me and tell me my electric wheelchair wouldn’t fit through the bars at the end of the alley but it did and I told her I’ve done it several times which seemed to shock her. She then informed me that “you passed your driving test”. Oh and my powerchair is making a weird noise (needs a new caster) and someone stopped me in sainsburys last week to inform me that he would go mad if he had to sit in a wheelchair making a noise like that all the time. Which was just terrific, I wish people would stop making random comments and assumptions about my disability when they meet me on the street. So bloody rude and irritating. I informed that guy that “it wasn’t any of his business, but it was making the noise because it was broken, not that it was anything to do with him” in those exact words and he just looked at me and went “Well bye then” in a false seeming cheery voice.
On the same topic, an old friend of mine bumped into my mum earlier today and spent ages wittering on to her about was she watching x-factor and the fact that there’s a woman in a wheelchair as one of the contestants. That annoyed me more I think because, yes we haven’t seen each other except in passing for several years, but she should know me by now and know that there is a lot more to my life and my family’s lives than the fact that I’ve got CP and use a chair. For gods sake you bump into my mum in town, ask her how I am, what am I up to, hows the rest of the family or even how she is. It would be a very refreshing change. And FWIW, I am watching x-factor. Because I like the show. I do like Kerry and my god she can sing. But I’m not watching it just because she’s in a chair. I also love the fact that they had to redesign the set when Sharon put her in her final four because they couldn’t accommodate her chair. Although personally I do wonder whether that ramp is particularly safe, it looks really steep. Of course I am paranoid since my accident in Madrid. My nose still aches a little at times.
I want to quit my job. I picked up the jobs paper tonight but nothing interesting – a few maybes but I’m unsure because I couldn’t manage full time work and the hours weren’t stated clearly. I hate that having CP is such an issue volunteering at CAB and that it keeps stopping being an issue and the starting again. I think basically it’s one specific person – and several others have had problems or have commented that this person is a “tough nut”. Still, I think I will be left there soon. I was texting with Trudi for a while this evening and it helped to get it all off my chest to her. MSN with soph helped too but I worry a little about sharing with her now shes so far away at uni and alone.
I chatted with Sarah on MSN too about the disability awareness “fight” and how goddamn sick of it I am. I do feel at the moment like the fight is all I’m doing and I want/need more. It will come though, it always does. It’s nice because she understands. But I wish she didn’t have too. I wish I didn’t have to, even though I would never wish not to be disabled because it’s part of who I am and I like who I am. I just wish the rest of the world made it easier. I hope someday someone reads this time capsule blog and that they live in that world.
That is why I fight. To make it better for me – and those who come in the future.