>Better

>Just a quick note to say I’m pretty tired today but feeling a lot less stressed and depressed and bitchy. I’d even go as far as saying I’m feeling good today but I don’t want to jinx it!

Thanks for all the lovely comments xx

>Kinda Meh and Bitchy

>I feel kinda meh and bitchy today. I’ve been surfing Facebook and thinking everyone else has a better life than me and I’ve been reading blogs and not able to leave comments because most of the ones I want to leave are not the supportive friendly ones but the “welcome to my world, now you know what it’s like” ones. And I could cheerfully have killed someone earlier for moving my chair with the brakes on – when I’d only had them tightened an hour earlier. I just let them do it tho.

My counsellor talks about how I will never not have bad days because they are a normal part of life. But I can’t remember what it’s like to have a down day that’s “normal”. I don’t know how to tell if I’m having an “average” down day and a depression down day. What I do know is that feeling like this makes me want stronger meds, better meds. Kick depression in the ass meds. I don’t think I actually need them tho.

I think when I’m down below 12st in weight I will talk to Dr B about weaning off of baclofen. I am determined to see this year out without missing a single dose of fluoxetine because I know it does me good. But I’ve been on baclofen nearly two and a half years and I have some concerns about it long term as well as not being sure of the level of efficiency/accuracy it still has.

I’ve stopped taking all of my supplements because I want to stop overloading my liver and other systems. But I think I will resume the evening primrose oil when I come back from my tour of the UK (and hopefully Ireland).

Trying to get as much of my stuff I need to do “at some point soon” done before I go away – possibly part of what caused my meh and bitchiness of today, overloading myself a bit.

In good news however I did notice something really great about how I look now I’ve lost weight. Part of me that was hidden by fat is getting to be visible. But that’s all I’m telling you ;o)

>Sailing Stuff

>On Tuesday I went to Sailability as I do most Tuesday’s in the summer/spring/early autumn. I had the best time I have ever had up there.

Usually I sail an Access Dinghy – Specifically the 2.3 model shown there although I have sailed the double with my friend Neil’s daughter many times. in fact, all but one time this year I think. We’ve not been getting on very well with that boat lately when we have both of us in it. Much as I have lost a lot of weight this year the two of us together pushes us over the weight limit for it, I found out this week and that is probably why we can’t manage much more than sailing in circles.

So the plan this week was for me to take one of the single Access’ out alone. Again something I’ve done many times but not this year. However I I had a quick word with Pam, the chairman, about the possibility that “some time in the future” could I have a go sailing the other sort of boat we use, a Challenger.

Well, “some time in the future” turned into that very evening. It was really different and harder to sail (because it sails as a “proper boat” as opposed to the access). And it was fast. Very, very fast and kind of scary at times. Because I’d never sailed it before, one of the volunteers who is another Emma came with me and I learned loads from her.

And I was able to scramble in and out of it with help as opposed to using the hoist for the access’. That’s both a good and a bad thing. Good because it means no hoist and thats not the most comfortable experience in the world. Bad because there are no real sides to it and so although I had a backrest I had to focus on keeping my balance because if I lost it (which i don’t usually sailing) there would be nothing to catch me. I’d be fine sailing with a volunteer but whether I would be happy/confident/safe sailing it alone is another thing.

I did love it tho.

If you go on the link above you can see a video of a challenger being sailed.

My sailability group are fundraising to build a new more accessible pontoon and I helped out back in March with some awareness raising. If you go to the Pontoon Project Website you can see a picture of me and Jane sailing the double access and read most of the talk I did as well as those of the others – apparently I am a “sailing success” and so are my friends.

>Small Changes ~ No Regrets

>So… it’s Tuesday and time again to report my progress for the Tales from the Scales May Day challenge. And I stayed the same this which I am totally fine and completely happy with.

I am very pleased with how I ate and moved my body last week and how HEALTHY I was/am. It’s a bit of an eye-opener for me but a good one because it means I don’t have any excuses left any more. I planned that I would have a treat on Sunday. And between Wednesday and then I stuck to my diet completely and utterly. Just the treat on Sunday too nothing else, no “well I’ve had the muffin and coke I may as well eat all the chocolate in the whole fucking world.”

I’m spending more time away from the computer too which makes for a calmer, more adjusted, happier Emma. And last night I wanted to go buy treats, was debating it. Soph said go for it. But I didn’t. Another small change, another small victiory

She’s struggling with her weight a bit at the moment too. That’s strange for me that I am the one working on it and happier where I am and she is the one saying she must lose weight and all the things I usually say. Bit of a role reversal but sort of interesting too.

The best part of this previous week?

I have this favourite pair of black trousers and when I started my diet in February they were tight and looked terrible. Then they started fitting really well. And then on Saturday I went for dinner with my parents and they fell down as my dad was helping me walk to the loo.

I also have a new skirt I bought about two, three weeks ago. When I got it home I tried it on and I couldn’t do the zip up all the way but I kept it because I figured if I stayed in my chair it wouldn’t matter, it was close enough and one of my floaty shirts would cover the evidence of my fatness. I just wouldn’t be able to wear it to work because walking would not be a GOOD IDEA with a not done up properly skirt.

Well, I put it on on Sunday and zipped it up the entire way, did the hook and eye at the top too. Then I realised what I’d done. Big smile on my face all day.

I wore it to work yesterday too. Walked around loads. With another big grin and a happy face.

I now know that I have lost weight and that it’s noticable. I didn’t before.

No regrets they don’t work
No regrets now they only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it’s just a point of view
But they tell me I’m doing fine

>Patience

>I love my job, I really do. I would, obviously, love it more if it were paid but never mind. Situations being what they are it’s better for me that it is not. But some days I am sat there with my clients wondering quite why I am spending my time volunteering for CAB.

And lately I’ve definitely been finding the patience and compassion that is sometimes needed to be in short supply. Which occasionally is fine but usually is not. I am tired, and I’m stressed and more than ready for my upcoming break. But I do need to find my “that was really annoying but this is my job and it’s ok” happy face again.

There’s this ongoing client I’ve known for pretty much all the time I’ve been there (getting on for three years). I was told (by the client) it was a five minute job and was still with him two hours later. Which is fine. Anyway I was joking with him a bit and my patience was rapidly going – doing the same thing multiple times in an hour for the same person does that to a girl. Also I had taken my cardi off and he was questioning me about my tattoo for ages. So I eventually managed to redirect him to the subject at hand. He turned round to me and said “oh you are stroppy today Emma.”

I laughed and said “Thank You.” He smiled and admitted he knew I’d been joking.

And then there are the times when you know you did the best you could for your client and they mouth off and say if they have any problems they are going to come back and blame you. Or you arrange something for them which is the best deal they could possibly hope for in their situation, spend ages doing it only to have them shout at you that you’re wrong and they aren’t doing it.

I’ve had some great times there and have achieved some amazing things both personally and for my clients. I’ve managed to do things I never thought possible and I know I’ve made a difference.

But I seriously need to find some patience because just lately I’ve been left wanting to scream at least once a day.

It’s interesting how it goes like that at times and at other times it’s all lovely and people can’t thank me enough.

I’m sure it’s time another client brought me some chocolates or similar.

>Random thoughts on health and life

>Lots of sleep last night; 12 hours. Possibly slightly too much because I still feel somewhat lethargic but equally no real aches and pains this morning and a bit happier. So I don’t know really.

It’s the second of June and I haven’t missed any medication this year! Well, technically I missed one dose of my antibiotics because I dropped it on the floor and couldn’t reach it BUT I’ve not missed any of my regular meds.

I haven’t had any extra treats or some such on my diet since Tuesday. Yay! And I’ve been a for a few long walks in my manual chair this week. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy that. But I’d also forgotten how much Atrixo I use afterwards and how nice that feels. I love the smell of Atrixo.

I go on holiday two weeks today! Feel kind of sick at that prospect but I’m also looking forward to it. More on that later, probably.

I feel like for the most part I’m being a lot healthier than usual this year and am pushing my boundaries more. Discovering who I am more too. I like it but it’s not always easy.