I don’t wanna fight no more

I wanted to write a detailed and punchy post for this years Blogging Against Disablism Day, I really did. Or I was going to blog about some really funny inadvertently disablist comments a friend made. I killed myself laughing.

when it came down to it this morning I just couldn’t get motivated to do so. BADD is great for raising awareness but I no longer believe it can do great things as I once did. This evening I feel even less motivated.

In part that’s because I had one of those evenings where it all go wrong. If I’m honest it was pretty spectacular and at times amusing (only my mother could come round because my a pipe has come off my washing machine flooding my whole flat and end up totally destroying the washing machine in her attempts to fix it).

The other part of my being so meh about BADD has to do with two ongoing access fails I’m dealing with.

The first is finally showing glimmers of being taken seriously so I won’t mention.

The second means that the mainline train station I live by is no longer fully accessible to me. The ramps onto most of the trains are now too steep or my chair.

Tomorrow I’m going to London, a trip I was looking forward to. It would take 40 minutes on the train and I would get the 9.29 train most likely to give me time to get across London. I’d have to get a taxi as there’s no tube access at Paddington but the assisted travel staff member would help with that. And my travel expenses are being covered by the event I’m going to so for once the cost doesn’t put me off.

Instead I can’t get the train. The train company is paying for a taxi (after multiple emails and a meeting with a higher up I was told this is the only solution). In order to get me to Paddington at the same time the 9,29 train would get me in the I have to leave my house at 7.45 so the taxi can pick me up at 8 from the station. I suspect we will go straight past my house on the way to London but this taxi has to be from station to station. So I have to go to Paddington and change to another taxi. Without anyone to help me. I’ve never travelled across London alone before. Doing so with friends has shown me its not easy.

Then there’s coming home. They believe they can get me on the train. I bloody hope so.

My first thought was this is too much effort. I’m tired of everything being a fight and I just wouldn’t go. To quote the Westlife song

I don’t wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for,

But this is me. So, somehow, I’ve talked myself into it. And I’m going. Worried. A little bit scared. Frustrated. But most of all fed up. After 30 years – my entire life – of fighting for what everyone else gets without a thought I don’t wanna fight no more.

And yet

I must.

3 thoughts on “I don’t wanna fight no more”

  1. Hello sweetie, I feel your frustration and worry and tiredness. Especially lately. For there are times when it all seems too much, and doesn’t seem worth continuing on. There are times when nothing goes right, and it feels as if all anyone chooses to see are your faults and flaws. But as you said, there really isn’t much we can do but go on fighting. If you need to talk, you know my email…

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