>Guilt, Guilt, Guilt!

>Today is a tough day.  I am very glad it is nearly over!

I’ve been trying (and failing, I might add) to write out and explain the whats and whys and wherefores for some time.

The short version is the battery on my powerchair died on me in town earlier and I had to call in favours to get me home and get some of the things I was trying to do done like fetch my meds and do some shopping for me.  It was hard for me to ask for those and I felt pretty guilty that three different people had to put themselves out to rescue me and help me out.  Believing that I have CP, it doesn’t have me might be a great attitude to have most of the time.  But sometimes I have to ask for help and that’s not easy.

Then a right gossipy cow I sort of know eavesdropped on a conversation between me and one of my “rescuers”.  She could have just said to me “oh i don’t know if you know but disabled people can blah blah blah, that might be easier for you.” but no, I could told I should have done blah blah blah and saved my friend running around after me.

Yeah, thanks for that, love, I do guilt well enough on my own without you trying to pile more on me.  And the way you then told several people that my chair had died on me?  Nice, that.  Really nice.  Particularly as that’s the second time in a month you’ve  done the eavesdrop and spread it about thing to me.

I am very very grateful to have the friends that I do – the ones who rescued me today and the one who rescued me on Saturday when I locked myself out (my parents are on holiday).  Even if they do sometimes (today) tell me to shut up – because I couldn’t stop saying how sorry I was and thank you for helping me etc etc ad infinitum.

It might not be quite time for bed yet but I think it’s definitely time for chocolate!

>It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

>And it’s only 1st October!  And it’s looked a lot like Christmas for about two weeks.  Christmas stuff every where in the shops – completely ridiculous.  It sort of makes me mad in a way and it makes me feel really old but I can’t help thinking that it wasn’t like this when I was young (“back in my day…”).  The end of October is more than early enough to start buying sweets and stuff (or even too early still). if I bought them now I would eat them.

But it’s not just shops – my mother brought the Christmas Cake yesterday.  On the last day of September.

In other news, I didn’t go to work today.  This is the first time this year when I maybe could have gone to work and didn’t.  Which is a good thing but also makes me feel bad that I stayed home.  Of course I knew I would sit there wishing I was home if I went.  So instead I stayed home worrying and thinking I should have gone.

I’m still in my PJ’s (with a jst fleece over the top) and I’ve been sleeping lots.  it’s all been rather lovely and I’m feeling better than I have since Thurs.  Currently trying to convince myself that I do not need to text my carer and get her to bring me chocolate and coke when she comes.  The lower number of the scales will be much nicer on Wednesday than the treats would be now, right?

>My Heart is Heavy

>My heart is heavy today. And truthfully, has been for a few days but today brought news that focussed it all for me.

Several people on the periphery of my life have had challenging, tough and scary times over the last week or so and it makes me ache for them, worry about them, feel.

So my heart is heavy with all of that. And it makes some of the more trivial and mundane things annoy and irritate me.

Especially because today brought the news a work colleague was out walking her dog last week and was hit by a lorry. She’s in hospital and her daughter tells us she’ll be ok. But her injuries sound very nasty and pretty scary (cracked skull, multiple broken bones). So she has been in my thoughts most of the day.

Then there are the reasons why my heart is heavy in a good way – because I am preoccupied and excited about next weekend.

And because last night ended sailing for the year for me at least (I will write more about that tomorrow).

So my heart is heavy with memories of fun times and gratitude for the help, support, friendship and love that I am shown by my fellow sailors. And with my (misplaced) guilt that maybe I haven’t/didn’t do enough to show my thanks and how much it means to me.

Welcome to The Life and Times of Emma, please leave your angst at home, there is more than enough here to go around.