I think it’s probably obvious to many people who read this that I’ve not been myself for the last several months at least. Since April I’ve been dealing with issues which have left me very depressed and struggling with feelings of worthlessness. I’ve not done a particularly good job of dealing with that and taking care of myself, not least because my medication compliance slipped way down.
Going to the Paralympics however has made me really want my mojo back. I want to be me again. I want to get back not just to the girl who I was before all this kicked off five months ago but who I was a few years ago. Or a variant of that girl. Whoever she was. Sometimes I’m not sure I remember her correctly.
Today I made two decisions – one of which has been on the cards since May and which a couple of people been pushing me to make. That has however involved backing down from a fight I’ve invested a lot of time and effort into. But I was never going to win that. It feels wrong for a fighter like me to back down and not get resolution to such blatant (and easily solved) discrimination as that of the NHS weight loss clinic who can’t weigh a wheelchair user. It was pretty toxic for me though so dropping out of the course was necessary.
The second has only been a consideration for a week or so but I’m pretty excited by it. I know it’s possible and that the majority of the logistics involved in it are easy for me. There is however a small bit logistics wise that should be doable but I need to try to be sure given some of the issues I’ve had with my powerchair and public transport. Actually, that should probably be a separate part of the “getting my mojo back” plan now I think of it.
I also ordered prescriptions for the majority of my meds (I didn’t order pain meds) so I can try to get back into a better routine of taking them. Mostly I need to be taking them at more sensible times so they’re working when I’m awake rather than swallowing them immediately before bed and sleeping through most of the benefit.
It’s a start.